Are you serious?
by GabrielsThoughts
Summary: Alterverse, Ranma falls into not one but two different springs at jusenkeyo, Ranma soon discovers he is sailor moon and Luna...and Genma is Chibi Moon. This is a Ranma Sailor Moon crossover.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do no own Ranma, or Sailor Moon. But my ideas are my own …and I really like Ranma Crossovers.**

A/n: This crossover will exclusively involve the Characters of Ranma and Sailor Moon so it shouldn't be as confusing as a twisted tale of Ranma . Just so there are no complaints I will be revising and rewriting Are Dog demons smelly when wet? before I continue with this fiction or Zuko ½… unless I get more than three reviews.

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**Seriously?**

**By Gabriel R. Lopez**

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The rain poured as a knock rapped against the door of the Tendo dojo. It was a dark and stormy night but the Tendo sisters and their father Soun were eagerly awaiting the arrival of their new fiancé. At least Soun was. Kasumi, the eldest of his three daughters, smiled with a beaming mask of joy…a mask hiding her disappointment towards her father, of all the irresponsible things he had done in his life this was the worst. Thankfully, Nabiki and Kasumi had already discussed the problem beforehand and in the worst case scenario Akane would be obligated to marry this fellow. 

"PUT ME DOWN, YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS OLD MAN!" the scream was heard through the door shortly after the knocking had ceased.

Kasumi opened the door slowly to reveal a young girl, barely nine or ten years old, with an oversized training gi and cotton candy colored hair, she was carrying a very wet, and exceptionally pissed bundle of fur that resembled a cat.

"PUT ME DOWN POPS! I AIN'T YOUR DOLLY AND I AIN'T MARRYING NO STUPID GIRL NEITHER!" the cat screamed before struggling to escape, judging by the cat's voice it was clearly female. The little girl immediately dropped the cat on the floor, and contrary to the popular myth, the cat landed on its back with a wet thud and not in its feet. After rolling to her feet the cat shook the water out of her fur before puffing out like a fuzz ball. Upon closer inspection the cat appeared to have a crescent moon shaped scar on her forehead.

Kasumi paused in shock while Nabiki calmly sucked on her popsicle and acted as if talking cats was an everyday occurrence , their father fainted and collapsed to the floor.

"A talking cat! No way!" Akane cried.

"C-cat where?" the black feline asked as she started to look around in a panic for the cat in question, immediately hiding behind the creepy looking pink haired girl's legs. The young girl immediately blushed and looked truly embarrassed.

"Um…Hi! My name is Genma Saotome, Sorry about this."

"c-can I have glass of h-hot water?" the cat asked as she peaked from behind the little girl's legs.

(45 minutes later…)

"… and so there we were at the dreaded training grounds of jusenkeyo I fell into spring of drowned panda and Ranma fell into spring of drowned blonde" Genma had been putting his own personal shine on the story the whole time...unfortunately it was mostly at the expence of Ranma. To hear the story told it was Ranma who insisted that they go to just one more training ground before returning to Japan.

"Tell it right Chibi-useless or I swear to god I'll shave you bald again" Ranma growled at the pink spore. She appeared to be a 14 year old girl with flowing blonde hair. she was dressed in a red silk shirt with gold trim and black pants...like Genma's training gi, the outfit appeared over sized and ragged.

"Ok fine! I fell into spring of drowned panda and Ranma fell into spring of drowned runaway, tragic story of young girl who runaway from home and drown five week ago, yah happy you ungrateful whelp." Genma then stuck out her tounge and blew Ranma a raspberry. Ranma returned the gesture in kind by flicking Genma the bird.

"yam head!"

"spaghetti brains."

"wait…If Ranma was cursed to turn into a girl, and you're supposed to be a panda then why did Ranma look like a ca-" Nabiki started as Genma rushed accros the living room and clasped her hands over Nabiki's lips. Genma then whispered in Nabiki's ear.

"Be careful how you phrase your questions, you might not like the answer." Genma warned.

"While I was chasing pops this guy with a bandanna showed up and when I pushed him out of the way, I lost my footing and fell into spring of drowned capybara … Right pops?" Ranma asked.

"Yep, that's what I remember." Genma silently cheered as a beaming smile appeared on her face.

"What about you Mr Saotome, how come you didn't turn into a panda when Ranma threw the tea kettle at you and it shatered?"

"oh that…see there was this Amazon village, and Ranma insisted that we eat there, imagine my surprise to learn the food was the grand prize for the fighting tournament "

"what!?" Ranma Glared "You told me we were going there to find a cure for my curse!"

"didn't I just say that?" Genma puzzled.

"No, you said it was to fill your fat stomach!" to say Ranma was angry was an understatement.

"whatever the reason , the outcome was the same. You won the tournament, that lovely young lady kissed you …" Genma began

"I was almost burned at the stake." Ranma finished

" Shut up boy!" Genma yelled.

"thankfully we escaped." Ranma smirked.

"Unfortunately Ranma spotted a see aye tee and ran off somewhere, then it started raining and I fell into a tiger trap, I was found several hours later by prince herb of the musk and thrown into spring of destiny, tragic story of psychotic magical girl or something babbling on about she was a princess from the future and how the guide had to save her mother from drowning. I never did figure out how she drowned though." Genma frowned.

"I'm telling you pop's the Guide was a serial killer." Ranma supplied.

" you're too paranoid boy. Anyway, where was I? Herb had this ladle thingy and it locks the victim of the curse into their current form." Genma continued.

"Then I was captured by Mint and Lime in my capybara form and we showed up in time to see pops kick herb's lily a$$. I used the distraction to scratch out Mint's eye and pops knocked Herb into a nearby spring and we were out of there."Ranma interrupted.

"after a brief discussion with the guide, we came here to fulfill the marriage contract … So where is your boy Kaneda anyway?"

"WHAT!!! YOU SAID I WAS MARYING A GIRL!" Ranma was not a happy camper.

"yes, but you said you didn't want to marry a girl."

"I don't wanna' marry anybody!"

"um…Kaneda died, a few years ago with my wife…but I'm sure one of the girls won't mind becoming a lesbian to satisfy family honor. Soun then winked and hinted at Kasumi.

"…. Oh my, no. Dr.Tofu and I have been in a secret relationship behind your back, in fact I'm planning to have his baby." It was a lie, but there was no way she was getting involved in something that perverted.

"I'm not interested either, I already have a boyfriend." Nabiki hoped her father would press the matter further. Contrary to popular belief Nabiki was a horrible liar.

"Oh really, what's his name?" Soun was suspicious, Nabiki was hiding something, he could read it in her aura.

" Kuno- baby, yeah that's it. He and I have been in a relationship since um… since um…Akane started attending Furikan." Nabiki made sure every word was absolutely true, and it was good enough for Soun not to press the matter further. Although her father suspected that his daughter had been deflowered...of course that would explain the large sums of money she had stashed in her room.

"Kuno! Why that two timing so and so, I HATE BOYS!" Akane clenched her teeth.

"Akane, you 're in luck Ranma is all girl" Kasumi supplied.

"WHAT!" Ranma and Akane yelled Simultaneously.

"yeah, they definitely were made for each other." Nabiki continued.

"I 'm not marrying some perverted ca…furry or whatever Ranma is."Akane steamed.

"Like I want to marry some un-cute tomboy!" Ranma huffed.

Akane started glowing her aura flared and then WHAM!!!

Akane was so angry used her inhuman like strength in combination with her Ki energy to slam Ranma with a mallet and catapult her into the Jubban District… it was a hard landing…very hard…as in "Ranma would be lucky if she was still conscious" hard.

Ranma took stock of her surroundings which appeared to be a shrine of some kind before the world faded to black…

"Usagi?" the voice asked. As it echoed through the darkness.

"Usagi is that you?" another voice asked

"is she ok?" came another voice.

"I don't know? Mina! call the paramedics! "

"Quick! What's the number for 911!!!" yelled the first voice.

…and then the voices faded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or Ranma, go figure. The timeline is after episode 38 of the dubbed English version of the show…**

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**Are you serious?**

By Gabriel R Lopez

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The moon was full and a lone figure was being chased down by four silhouettes 

"Give up sailor moon!" Sailor V called Triumphantly.

"Yeah, We got you nailed! You stupid Bitch!" Sailor Mars cried out.

Sailor moon continued running almost tripping over her feet, what had she done to make all her friends hate her so much. Sailor Mercury and Jupiter flanked the right side of her body… Usagi was slowing down and it wasn't long before she was surrounded by the others.

"Why don't shut your big fat mouth Mars! " Usagi puffed out her chest and tried to behave more courageous than she really was…had the negaverse turned Raye and the others against her as they had with Darien?

" heh, all talk and no action. You just keep opening your big mouth and keep whining. " Mars smirked.

"Give us the wand." Jupiter ordered.

"Don't make us come and get it." Venus joined in.

"It's over Sailor Moon, Don't be stubborn." Mercury finished.

"Why are you all being so mean too me!" Sailor moon wailed.

"Look, just hand it over already. We aren't going to stand here all night." Mars whined.

"b-but" Usagi squeaked out.

"Mars FIRE-"

"Fine! I never wanted to be part of this stupid club anyway." Usagi de-transformed and threw the wand at Raye " I hate you ! All of you, and I never want to see any of you again!"

Six weeks later….

"Usagi please wake up." Mina sobbed as Raye comforted her with a hug. the girls were in a room located somewhere in the cherry temple. The girl that crashed through the wall of the living room was laying quitly on a futon with a pink blanked over her limp body. The paramedics were certainly taking their sweet time...

"Hey, maybe she'd wake up if I mention that cute boy with the bandanna I saw wandering around school earlier. I think he said is name was Ryoga Hamtaro or something." Lita suggested.

"That only worked that one time…" Raye commented remembering the days leading up to her becoming sailor Mars.

"I know!" Mina chimed " we can sing her favorite Broadway show tune."

"Mina we want to wake her up not torture her to death." contrary to Amy's objections Mina started singing anyway.

"Angelical cats come out tonight, Angelica's come to the angelical ball!."

"NO MISTER MESTOPHOLEES, STOP!" Ranma cried as she snapped to immediate consciousness. Damn that Yam headed father of hers…

"Oh Usagi, I really don't think you have a big mouth. In fact, I think your mouth is cute." Mina whined.

"Hey! you didn't say she had a big mouth, I did." Raye huffed

"Huh?" Ranma asked.

" I guess I'm sorry too. Although kicking your butt was all kinds of fun." Raye hugged the confused martial artist.

"What the hell is going on?" Ranma asked.

"Raye! Quit teasing her" Mina cried.

"We didn't really mean all those nasty things we said, and I'm sure Raye didn't mean to be so mean to you at the jewelry store." Ami continued

"Yeah, Luna just wanted to use you to bait the Negaverse, and she really didn't think you could pull it off if-" Lita started.

"Wait. Who are you people? Where am I? Who's Luna?"

" Usagi it's us, your friends!" Lita was puzzled… had the Negaverse erased her memories like they had Darien's.

"hey guys what up! Did I miss anything? " Artimis walked into the living room.

"C-CAAAAAAAAT!" the blonde girl screamed in panic. Ranma then hopped up and clung to one of the rafters on ceiling in order to get away from the demonic little creature.

" Chill Usagi, it's only Artemis." Mina commented, although she too found Usagi's behavior odd.

" Actually, I think Usagi might be afraid of Artemis." Amy groaned mentally, she knew Mina was blonde, but that was no excuse for not picking up on the obvious.

"Any luck finding Luna?" Mina asked.

"t-talking c-c-cat!" of course, being Ranma, she thought the damn thing followed her from the Tendo Dojo, it was so obvious the cats were all out to get her. Glaring at Artemis "Stay back demon! I'm on to you!"

"oh…kay, I see the ditz is back, did I miss anything else?" Artemis asked.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. I do not own Sailor Moon.

Are you serious?

Chapter 3

By Gabriel R. Lopez

"All right ultra chicks, let's get'em!" Ranma cried

"Dammit Usagi for the last time , we aren't the ultra chicks, we're the sailor scouts." Raye didn't like Usagi's new personality one bit.

"whatever, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can get out of this stupid sailor-" Ranma was interrupted by Amy

" Sailor moon LOOK OUT!" Amy Cried

BOOM!

Some time earlier…

"Malachite, I'm bored…" said Beryl as she lay slumped over her crystal ball, her behind seated uncomfortably on her throne as she leaned forward. Her arms folded across the dark crystal as her head lay bonelessly. "Remind me again how we are going to get souls to fuel my evil empire again?"

"um…that was Jadeite's job, I'm helping you reclaim the power crystal thingy's remember." Malachite was bored also, he had been standing there for almost an hour waiting for his Queen to do something provocative, or wave her arms around. Something. Anything.

"oh, in that case, could you summon Jadeite's twin brother." It wasn't a question it was an order and Beryl expected Malachite to be accommodating or else

"Dolomite?" Malachite didn't know Beryl was feeling suicidal…

"yes, I want to start collecting souls again, and I barely have enough energy to sit on the throne and wave my arms over the crystal ball anymore." Beryl pouted for dramatic effect. It was scary.

"But lady Beryl, it's Dolomite…" Malachite took one look at Beryl's cold heartless expression and Knew he shouldn't press the matter further. Beryl glared at Malachite, sending a cold shiver down his spine. "are you sure we can trust him? I mean he's seems a bit-"

"Dolomite is named for the hard black mineral that will never let you down. He has to be good for something." Beryl hummed

"I'll summon Dolomite at once my queen." Malachite bowed and went off to gather Dolomite.

"and be sure to escort him to my bedchamber propperly." Beryl smirked.

Moments later…

Dolomite was escorted into Queen Beryl's royal bed chamber by Malachite, Dolomite was wearing a black loin cloth , shackled with iron manacles, and sporting a five o'clock shadow… there was no doubt in Beryl's mind Dolomite was Jadeite's evil twin.

"Do you know why I've summoned you here?" The queen asked

"Is it because you want to have you way with me?" Dolomite asked.

"Clever as always I see." The queen cleared her throat Tell me, do you think you could come up with a plan to defeat the sailor scouts and restore the dark kingdom to power?"

"My motivation for helping you would be?" Dolomite sneered.

"obviously. There isn't much I can't offer you. " The queen told him what he wanted to hear knowing that he'd never get into her panties…she was evil not stupid.

"what an interesting proposition. " unlike his brother Jed, Dolomite was not a smooth talking ladies man. In fact Dolomite was a nerd. A nerd with the body of Flash Gordon, but a nerd none the less. As such he was quite possibly the only virgin in the entire dark kingdom.

"Excelent!" The queen smirked. "I need a plan to extract the life-force from all the people of earth."

This was the chance dolomite had been waiting for, all the years of planning to restore the dark kingdom to glory would finally be heard by his queen. Dolomite cleared his throat "Humans like to waste their energy on things like love…what if we start a late night talk show, hosted by me and-"

"That's not going to work." Beryl stated flatly as Malachite snickered.

"ok, humans are obsessed with loosing weight, so if we open a gym-"

"ha!" Malachite almost laughed at Dolomite's stupidity.

"No" Beryl replied flatly, it was becoming apparent that as Jadeite's twin it might be unwise to let Dolomite come up with a plan.

"Humans expend a lot of energy trying to achieve scholastic achievement and-"

"No" Beryl groaned, this was a stupid idea. If she really wanted to take over the world she could hijack a few nukes and hold the world hostage; but no, she had to do it the old fashioned way. Who knew people had become so sophisticated over the last 10,000 years that a single teenage girl and a bunch of 8th graders could foil her plans so easily.

"what if we start a clock emporium and-"Dolomite started.

"No Jad…I mean Dolomite, all of those plans were foiled by the sailor scouts." it was clear the only advantage Beryl had over Sailor moon was her strategic genius. Beryl's strategic ability was somewhat lacking and had all the grace of a bull in a china shop. She was quite fortunate Sailor moon was incapable of coming up with a strategy on her own. The sailor scouts would have destroyed long ago if she could. "Listen you, If you can't provide me with a decent idea to harvest the life-force of a small 3rd world nation in the south pacific, you are of no use to me when we go global."

"Lady Beryl Japan isn't a country in the 3rd world." Malachite stated.

"Silence! If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it!" said the queen of darkness. After a moment of silence.

"well?" Beryl asked impatiently.

"well what?" Dolomite asked out of confusion.

"what is your plan for sucking the life out of the population of earth and feeding my evil empire?" Beryl asked annoyed that Dolomite was no more competent than Jadeite, which was still a far sight more competent than she was.

"Ok, maybe I could disguise my self as a monk or a groundskeeper at a miko shrine and sell good luck charms to naive high school girls."

"Absolutely not." Beryl let out a fluffy, it was silent but deadly…she was royalty not a perfectionist.

"Ok, what if we start a transgender boy band, I heard they were very popular during the 90's and-"

"look if you aren't going to take this seriously I can just kill you now." Beryl threatened.

"Oh come on what do you expect me to do, dress up like the sailor moon and go to a comic book convention?" Dolomite asked in frustration.

"What a wonderful idea! " It was hard for Dolomite to tell if Beryl was being serious or facetious. "oh wait, no. Zoi already used that plan eight weeks ago, and now she's been terminated. Oh well, I guess I have to kill you now. " Beryl snapped her fingers as black lightning shot of from the ground and started to arch across Dolomite's body.

"wait! Hurk." Dolomite cried out in pain, the rest of his words were labored as he slowly fealt the life sucked out of him. "we could disguise ourselves as paramedics, ungh!" Dolomite collapsed to the ground.

Beryl snapped her fingers and the hurting stopped. "Go on…"

Dolomite coughed some blood on the floor and took a moment to recompose himself "People will do anything to stay alive, (cough) we could dis(cough)guise ourselves as paramedics and easily steal their life-force without notice. We'd also have a place to dump the bodies when we were through…"

"Malachite! Escort Dolomite to his brother's chambers and release him from his Shackles." Beryl ordered

"At once my queen." was Malachite's response

Meanwhile at the office of Dr. Mizuno…

"Other than the mallet sized knot on her head, and the minor skull fracture I see no reason why Usagi can't return home this evening." Amy's mother smiled and rubbed Ranma's head for good luck.

"Oh doctor that's wonderful! We were afraid our daughter had been abducted when witnesses reported they saw her with a large Chinese man in a peoples republic uniform carrying a large knife. " replied Usagi's mother.

"Look , I'm not your daughter! My name is Ranma, Ranma Saotome."

"Delusions are quite common with this kind of head trauma, so I would recommend that she wear a helmet for a few days, just to be on the safe side." The doctor's recommendations were noted.

"I ain't wearing no helmet, and I'm not your daughter!" Ranma whined.

Usagi's mother pulled Ranma into a bear hug. Ranma's face was squished against Ikukyo's boobs. "Don't worry sweetie, you don't have to wear the helmet if you don't want too."

Ranma's eye twitched, ever since she left that coven of witches and their little feline Satan, the adults had completely dismissed her warnings about Artemis. In fact , the paramedics pretended that they could hear Artemis talking too… when it was clear he had stopped talking the moment Raye's grandfather came in to check on them. Ranma was beginning to wonder if she really was crazy, and was considering the possibility that she could be this Usagi person until Artemis winked at her and told her to play along. That little bastard was going down, and he was going down hard.

"I'm not your daughter lady!" Ranma argued.

"if your aren't my Daughter then where do you live?" Ikukyo asked.

"…" Ranma wasn't sure how to answer that question, she never really had a permanent residence, and she didn't want to be engaged to that Akane girl.

"I guess that settles it then." Ikukyo replied

"stupid curse" Ranma spat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Are you serious?**

**Chapter 4**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Ranma's arrival at the Tsukino home was…uncomfortable. Her new family spent a majority of the time since she had arrived hugging her. That and trying to convince her she was someone else. After an hour of pouring through photographs, and getting an abridged version of Usagi's family history around the dinner table, Ranma had to admit she was a bit jealous of Usagi. In all honesty the part that really freaked Ranma out was that no one was starring at her or complaining as she wolfed down more than two thirds of her entire meal in 5.2 seconds. The Tsukino's were really nice, but she'd rather be with her father. Ranma would have to look up the Tendo Dojo in the phonebook later. whatever, she'd have the whole mess resolved in the morning. Although, there was no real hurry. This could give Ranma a break from her father's stupidity, perhaps long enough to find a cure for the Jusenkyo curse.

"well, it's been really great meeting you all and everything…" Ranma yawned "But, I'm just soooo tired right now. " Ranma escaped the confines of her chair, having successfully managed to use her martial arts skill to not set off the whoopee cushion. A device no doubt placed there by her temporary little brother. "So, where do I sleep?"

"well you can't just go to bed like that young lady." Ikukyo chided

"huh?" Ranma was confused.

"You should take a bath first"

"Oh! Right. I knew that. Um, I don't know where the bathroom is either."

Ikukyo folded her napkin and pryed herself away from the dinner table. "don't worry about it sweetie, I'll draw your bath and we can get you out of those nasty clothes."

"How kind of you…" Draw her bath? Ranma momentarily wondered when she had become a princess. it felt kinda nice. Ranma then jerked away as her ego reasserted itself. The concussion was making her somewhat volatile and unstable. "I ain't your princess, and don't need your help. "

"Nobody said you did. But right now, you're confused and I'm only trying to help."

Confused, Ranma was never confused, she just didn't know what she wanted right now. "where do I sleep?"

"Your bedroom is upstairs second door to the left, the bathrom is across the hall, first door to the right."

"whatever." Ranma huffed as she wandered off to parts unknown.

Once she made it to Usagi's room, the sleepy Ranma immediately hopped into Usagi's bed. It was time for a nice long siesta, all that food in her stomach had made Ranma very, very tired. In fact, Ranma had fallen asleep the moment she flopped onto Usagi's mattress.

After a moment of uneasy silence "Honey, are you sure that's Usagi?" Usagi's father asked… it looked like his daughter, but her personality wasn't quite right.

" According to the doctor she's had a severe cuncusion… and it's made her delusional. I think a good night's sleep is just the thing she needs right now." Ikukyo remembered something about Usagi needing ten hours of sleep when she got home.

"are you insane?" Sammy shouted. "she needs to stay up at least ten hours or she could-."

"Oh my." Ikukyo seemed to realize something and immediately rushed up the stairs to help Usagi.

"She could what?" a concerend father asked his son.

"well she could…" Sammy took a deep breath to calm himself, but everything came out a jumbled mess. "Kenny-had-a-concussion-and-went-to-sleep-and-he-didn't-wake-up-again."

Of course, years of listening to Usagi's longwinded and often jumbled explanations allowed him to decipher Sammy's explanation instantly, and he too rushed up the stairs too see if he could be of any help.

Sammy just sat there stunned…after a momentarily digesting everything that just happened, an evil smirk crept across his face. Usagi was going to owe him big.

upstairs, Ikukyo was trying to revive Usagi with little success. "C'mon sweetie. Wake up." Ikukyo tright to gently shake Ranma awake.

Ranma was still unconscious when Usagi's father entered the room.

"She's not waking up!" Ikukyo was in a panic.

"Okay, fill the bathtub with cold water and tell Sammy to call 119." The man of the house quickly gathered "Usagi" into his arms and carried her to the bathroom. He gently dropped her into the tub, which was filled with cold water and "Oh my god!"

Downstairs Ikukyo relayed the message her husband had given to her. "Sammy Quikly call 191!"

"…" Sammy was in a panic as he reached for the phone at the counter. Wait…191? Darnit there were just too many numbers to remember. Okay no need to panic. Sammy dialed the numbers like a drunken sailor apparently dialing 611 or was that 166 by accident.

"bee doo beep at the tone the time will be 6:23 pm beep"

'Okay, no need to panic.' Sammy thought 'Just remain calm, hang up, and try dialing the number again… 911 right?

Upstairs Ranma was confused…why was she in her capybara form?

"Luna?" Usagi's father had a confused look on his face, and was still in shock from the sight of his daughter turning into a cat.

"what's going on?" Ranma wailed.

Then confusion became anger as Usagi's father lifted the sopping Ranma out of the bathwater and yelled at her "What have you done with my daughter you vile cat demon!"

Ranma panicked and searched for the cat demon. The fear was literally rolling off her in waves "C-cat deamon. Where!"

"Don't play dumb with me kitty! I'm on to you."

"b-but I don't understand what's going on!" Ranma whined. she was confused, why was he saying she was a c- ca- memories of being tied, wrapped in fish sausages, and thrown into a pit of starving felines caused Ranma to cringe in terror.

"why were you pretending to be my daughter?" Usagi's father momentarily thought it wouldn't take much to snap her little neck. Ranma sensed the killer intent immediately causing her to once again cringe.

"I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, I told you I wasn't Usagi." Ranma was shivering, and if she wasn't already wet she would have wet herself.

"Alright, then who are you?"

"R-Ranma Saotome…S-sorry about this."


	5. Chapter 5

**Are you serious ?**

**Chapter 5**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Standing beside the wreckage of what was once the Tsukino home., the ambulance arrived. It was a very evil ambulance that should have carted Ranma off to the hospital after having arrived at the Tsukinos. Unfortunately, the paramedics arrived at the scene a little too late in Ranma's opinion. While she was explaining the inner workings of the Jusenkeyo curse to a very irate Ken Tsukino, Ranma noticed something unusual when she was in feline form. There was a funny smell in the Tsukino home, she had noticed it when she had first arrived but thought the smell had gone away until she transformed into her capybara form. After transforming back into her human form It didn't take Ranma long to realize that this was the result of a gas leak, that probably explained why everyone in the Tsukino home had started acting very silly right about the time Ranma tried to excuse herself from the dinner table.

Fortunately for Ranma, her biological father thought it would be a good idea to train Ranma in drunken monkey Kung Fu. Of course since it was illegal to provide children with alcohol, Genma thought himself quite the genius when he discovered methane had the same effect. As a result Ranma suffered minor brain damage and had developed a tolerance for carbon monoxide poisoning. Ironically, Ken had finally fallen victim to the affects of the gas leak after he decided to throw Ranma into a the stockpot of Miso soup…which was still quite hot. Ranma wasn't exactly sure how she had been transported from the bathroom to the kitchen, or why she was covered in Miso soup… in her birthday suit … with a stockpot on her head, but she knew something wasn't right.

After removing the pot from her head she realized what was wrong, just not immediately. After getting everyone safely out of the house…including Hamtaro Sammy's pet hamster. A tormented creature who had the cutest little yellow bandanna around his neck and his own hermetically sealed environment. Ranma lay the bodies carefully on the front lawn. Contrary to popular belief Ranma did have a sense of decency …which is why she thoughtfully covered herself with the Tsukino's welcome mat and waited for the medics to arrive. And that was when the lightning bolt struck the Tsukino home causing it to explode in a massive ball of fire. Ranma blinked and then stared unimpressed at the house as it burned to the ground…

The paramedics arrived in a black ambulance, it's markings were yellow…Ranma had never seen a black ambulance, until now, of course Ranma had only seen the ones they used during the day. And, for Ranma, it made sense that the hospitals would use a less noticeable vehicle for night runs…you know so they couldn't be seen by the police when they violated the traffic laws to rescue people.

The ambulance didn't so much arrive as crash into a nearby light pole, but Ranma was so high on gas fumes the logic of the situation wasn't processing. An ambulance was an ambulance, and the Tsukino's needed help

"Oh, thank god! There was a gas leak and then the house exploded… I had nothing to do with it by way" Ranma stated in a panic. It took Ranma a moment realize she had dropped the welcome mat in her excitement, but it was so dark out…and the raging bonfire of the Tsukino home was so bright Ranma looked like a black silhouette in the darkness.

There were six paramedics in total, all appeared to be in their early twenties. Their faces hidden in shadow as they seemed in no hurry to help the fallen Tsukino family members. Of the six paramedics, five were female and one was male. Odd thing was they turned away from Ranma and her newly adopted family to face four very lovely girls wearing leotards, knee length boots, and golden crowns upon their foreheads.

"Halt cretins!" shouted Sailor Jupiter as another lightning bolt struck the ground behind her in a dramatic fashion "we're not through with you yet!"

"Um…Could I get a little help here." Ranma asked, innocently covered by the welcome mat.

"Usagi?" Mercury asked. Usagi looked, bedraggled, and her home was apparently on fire…and appeared to be the focal point of Jupiter's last lightning bolt. "MERCURY TIME FREEZE !" in that moment hell froze over, causing time to pause momentarily in the real world, while the scouts get their bearings. At the the gates of time Pluto is awakened from cryogenic stasis…finally.

"Oh way to go Lita, you blew her house up." Mars Sniped.

"Shut up Raye!" Jupiter snapped.

"are you all right?" Venus asked the somewhat confused Usagi

" I don't have any clothes, but other than that I'm fine." Ranma stated.

"well we can fix that. " said mars as she threw Usagi her wand.

"um, it's a nice dildo. But, I'm not really interested." Ranma was actually quite disgusted.

"IT'S NOT A DILDO!" Raye yelled.

"Just transform already. There's no telling how much longer hell will stay frozen over."

Ranma momentarily wondered how thes girls knew about his curse as time started to re assert itself… she still didn't know what she was supposed to do with the dildo thingy. Ranma then noticed an inscription carved into the wand " moon crisis power?"

Suddenly a rainbow of light surrounded Ranma. Her long hair morphed as it unbraided itself, twisting into two large buns, the remaining hair flowed from the poms like streamers. Ranma then felt dizzy as her body hovered momentarily in air. A heart shaped ruby appeared on her chest, as a leotard of ribbons formed and covered her like an exotic bathing suit. Then her body seemed to have a will of its own as she closed her eyes and let the power flow through her. Her arms and legs felt as if they were wrapped tightly in gauze, but the material felt as fine as silk and leather. Finaly a crown appeared on her head, followed by two semi circle hair buds and wings in her hair.

Ranma opened her eyes the transformation complete… wait a second, why was she wearing a miniskirt and… "Oh my god!" Ranma shouted as she realized she was dressed in the same skimpy outfit as the others. Worse still, she felt even more naked than when she was using the welcome mat to cover herself…

"hurry up Sailor moon, we have to stop the doom and gloom girls"

"who?" Ranma asked. Apparently having lost two whole minutes of time during the transformation. After easily destroying one of the doom and gloom girls with a dazzling right hook. Ranma took to her new role as leader of the ultra chicks with impressive gusto. "All right ultra chicks. Let's get'em!"

"Dammit Usagi" mars shouted "for the last time we aren't the ultra chicks, we're the sailor scouts."

"Whatever, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I'm out of this hideous outfit."

In all honesty the fight really wasn't fair, until the Scouts had stopped fighting the doom girls. Apparently they were easily vaporized the minute Sailor Moon's fist made contact with just about any part of their body…I mean they tried to block, but Ranma was like a steamroller.

"Sailor moon LOOK OUT!" Sailor mercury cried out, but it was too late. Sailor moon was thrown forcefully into the neighbors yard as the sprinkler system went off. The night was dark, the moon was yellow. The lamppost had been an early casualty in the fight against the minions of darkness, and it was hard for the scouts to see anything beyond the three foot radius of Usagi's house burning to the ground. The scouts tripped over the bodies of the Tsukino's on more than one occasion and Mars almost vaporized Hamtaro. While moon was distracted, the rest of the girls desperately fought against Dolomite with the similar results to the doom girls vs. Ranma Soatome. After about 45 seconds of fighting there were only three doom and gloom sisters left. Jupiter found an opening in Dolomite's defense and gave a swift uppercut to Dolomite knocking him on the ground flat.

"What's happened to sailor moon ? " Lita , disguised as sailor Jupiter asked.

It was then out of the darkness a black haired senshi of no recognizable origin entered the fray. Appearing out of nowhere, dressed identically to sailor moon, she successfully incapacitated one of the doom and gloom sisters with the most impressive display of aerodynamic martial arts anyone in the group had ever seen.

"who are you?" sailor mars asked

"Lady Kaguya" Dolomite smirked, as he had the doom and gloom girls halt their attack. "we meet again."

"who the Bleep is lady Kaguya?" Ranma asked, "I'm sailor moon, I will right wrongs and defend the innocent." Ranma then posed dramatically. where the heck did that come from? Ranma wondered. It was as if Ranma had the compulsion to spout off nonsense "and in the name of the moon I will punish you!" Ranma was also curious as to why she hadn't transformed into her capybara form. Maybe her curse had locked itself. Things were starting looking hopeful until Satan showed up and caused her some more trouble.

"Lady Kaguya?" Artemis dissected his brain, where did he know her from…an then it was clear. She was a minion of the dark kingdom. That's how he knew her name and why she looked so familiar. Yes, that had to be the answer. "Girls, It's a trap. Kaguya is in league with Beryl. "

"What?" Was the collective response from the sailor scouts and Kaguya. The remaining doom and gloom girls watched as the Sailor scouts immediately turned on their new ally. darn, where's popcorn when you need it?

"what have you done with Moon?" Raye, better known as Sailor Mars demanded.

"Ladies," Dolomite sneared "aren't you forgetting something?" the sailors attention was diverted back to Dolomite and the DNG girls.

"You got a lot of nerve Dolomite, if that is your real name." Mina, also known as Sailor Venus, sassed.

"Yeah Jadeite, we don't buy the whole evil twin garbage." Lita scowled.

"yeah, 'cause if you were his evil twin that would make you good…right?" Amy, better known as sailor mercury, was looking for logic where there was none. the girls were interrupted when they heard a paniced shreic of terror.

"Back off Satan!" Ranma yelled as she got in a defensive position to protect herself from Artemis. a staff weapon was drawn to Artemis's neck, and looked quite vicious.

The scouts turned their attention back to Kaguya who seemed unjustifiably terrified of Artemis. the bo staff Kaguya had summoned appeared to have a circlet on one end and a crescent moon on the other. Dolomite recognized it immediately. The weapon was second in power only to the silence glaive and was responsible for the destruction of one of Saturn's moons.

Telepathically, Dolomite contacted the DNG girls "we should leave, this could get very ugly." he then sent them telepathic images of the destruction of the dark kingdom's colony on Mimas.

"Farewell ladies, I bid you adieu." with that Dolomite and the doom girls faded into the shadows.

Simultaneously, Ranma unintentionally de-transformed…and fell to the ground with a thud.

"LUNA!" Artemis was thrilled s he rushed to his greet friend.

"Stay away from me!" Ranma screeched as she clawed at Artemis to defend herself.

"you're not mad about the whole Kaguya thing are you?" Artemis asked. "Had I known it was you I would have never suspected you of working for the dark kingdom."

"I said stay away" Ranma then looked at the sailor scouts " all of you, just leave me alone."

"Luna, are you alright?" Venus asked asked

"I' ain't Luna." Ranma sobbed "why can't you all just leave me alone!" Ranma then hightailed it out of there as fast as her little legs could carry her. Ranma didn't know what to do, she ran away and kept on running until she collapsed from exhaustion…


	6. Chapter 6

**Are You serious?**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

A hamster's life is fraught with peril, more so if your name is Ryoga Hibiki. The trouble all started few weeks ago when this crazed blonde haired psycho chasing a panda knocked him into ham-mini-chuan, the dreaded spring of drowned hamster. Fortunately the guide, who was chasing after the girl, spotted him struggling to reach the shore of the massive gulf. The guide had an diabolical grin on his face … Quickly , the guide fished Ryoga out of the spring using the small strip of cloth that was magically bonded to Ryoga.

The Hibiki clan was notorious for getting lost, even during the silver millennium. So, on a whim Queen serenity decided it would be a good idea to create a map that would always lead the Hibiki's to wherever they wanted to go…a map only readable to those without any sense of direction… and, like a fishermen, she taught them how to make more, so that all the members of the Hibiki clan may benefit. Ryoga, having never realized that the bandanna may serve a purpose other than keeping his head warm, was bored when his father explained the finer points of the magical cloth…which is probably why he missed the part where he could use it as a map to get him to the place where he needed to be.

The guide, Ryoga soon discovered, was also quite the businessman. Apparently he had rather large collection of exotic animals…all victims of Jusenkeyo, all of whom were sold on e-Bay. Before he knew what hit him, Ryoga had been purchased by a little girl, and was on a plane to Japan to start his new life as Hamtaro. Having never learned the trigger of the curse, Ryoga would most likely spend the rest of his life in hamster hell… and it got worse when he discovered the Ham-Hams. Apparently the hamsters had a whole underground society where they could "never get enough friends" everything and everyone was so saccharine sweet it sickened him. Boss was sympathetic though, he too was a wandering martial artist who had fallen victim to Jusenkyo. Boss taught Ryoga the finer points of Ki manipulation and even taught him a special move known as the chushaku hokudan.

The chushaku hokudan was an awesome technique that could be used to burn the hairs off a cat's nose… the move wasn't exactly lethal, but the cat's knew better than to mess with the ham ham. Additionally, when Ryoga discovered that hot water restored his human form it came in real handy for heating water. Sadly, in the week since he obtained his curse Ryoga had gotten so used to being called Hamtaro that he flubbed when he introduced himself to Minako and Lita. he corrected himself, but it by that point the girls were teasing him about it.

Of course, as wonderful as it was to discover he could return to his human form, it wasn't permanent. A light summer rain and Ryoga was once again no bigger than a mouse. Having wandered through the cat door of the Tsukino home Ryoga was soon discovered by Sammy. Unlike the Haruna girl, Sammy Tsukino was a little terror. Sammy wasn't a serial killer or anything, but he had some funny ideas about what he considered playtime. Sammy would often use electro-shock to teach his furry friends rhythmic gymnastics. he had hamster scale replica's of ribbons, batons and sailor scout uniforms. When Sammy wasn't using the running ball to play soccer, sometimes he would dress Ryoga up as sailor moon, tie him with dental floss and use his sailor scout action figures to save him from the clutches of nega-creeps.

Sometimes Sammy would get angry when Ryoga bit him. Then Sammy would lock him in the freezer, sometimes for a whole three minutes as punishment. Being a hamster sucked… it sucked out loud. It was no wonder Sammy's previous rodent companions escaped. Of course since the Tsukino's had a cat they had to make sure that the cage was secure. With the cage being hermetically sealed, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. The cage had it's own independent oxygen supply, and was completely Chushaku Hokudan proof. Ryoga discovered the glass was too thick for his energy blasts to penetrate. Escape was going to be a monster of an undertaking. Apparently, Sammy's last hamster had his own escape plans and made a suicide pact with Luna…The details were sketchy, but considering Sandy's suicide note was made with his own urine, Ryoga thought it wise not to get on Sammy's bad side.

Describing the events that led to his final escape would be difficult. As the events were so truly bizarre that no one would ever believe a word of it. There was absolutely no way to explain any of it without sounding like a lunatic. A naked girl with long blonde hair carted his cage to the front lawn, Ryoga had a nosebleed and everything after that as a total blur. The Night was young the moon was yellow. Down the street the ambulance flew. All of a sudden an explosion was heard, then all hell broke loose and the cage was smattered by a flying dog turd. After witnessing the ambulance crash into a light pole. With a brain the size of a pea, Ryoga's ability to process the information was limited. Wicked, WTF? No Way, and Holy Shirt That's awesome, pretty much summed up the entire experience. At one point it was as if hell froze over and all the chaos was released in a single burst of thought.

Another fortunate turn of events for Ryoga occurred when one of the scouts tripped over Sammy's body and nearly destroyed his cage. Luckily, this blunder allowed Ryoga to escape his glass prison. Unfortunately, with no sense of direction he wound up wandering into the heart of the battle instead of away from it and Sailor mars almost tripped over her feet not to squish him. When the new senshi finally arrived, the fighting pretty much came to a halt. After seeing her Ryoga was in love…Kaguya, even the name brought hearts to his eyes. She was the most beautiful magical girl ever, and for Ryoga at least, it made sense that she would need a cute furry magical companion to aid her in her quest for justice. Then she sneezed and the fantasy was ruined when she turned into a cat. Of all the rotten luck.

' oh well,' Ryoga thought 'we can't all be perfect.' Ryoga decided that Kaguya would have to become human again sometime, and when she did, he'd be waiting for her with a bouquet of roses. He could become her Lunar Knight in shining armor…her prince. Ryoga was already thinking of a way to hide his human identity. A tuxedo and a mask could work, it seemed to look good on the action figure that was always rescuing sailor moon.

Ryoga then noticed his true love run off in a panic, he chased her for a while…but got confused and lost her. Poor Kaguya, who else but him could understand her. Blood gushed from his nose as he remembered the naked girl from the house…wait a second wasn't she the same girl that pushed him into the spring. Because of her, that girl , he'd seen hell. SHE was responsible for everything bad that had happened. Usagi…yes, that was it. Ryoga remembered her name from when Sammy was telling him about his sister and showing him pictures. "USAGI TSUKINO PREPARE TO DIE!" Ryoga squeaked. "Just you wait, I'll get you and your little brother too!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Are you Serious?**

Chapter 7

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

The Crown Arcade, Known for serving the best American food in all of Japan. Contained within it's menu were meals that could feed a family of three with just one of it's many entrée's. Items of particular note include; a pizza with 6lbs of toppings and a three foot radius, a triple double bacon western cheeseburger featuring three 1/4lbs patty's covered in guacamole, and the piece de resistance, an 8lbs banana split resting on a oven fresh brownie the size of a layered cake. If one thing was certain, no one ever left the Crown Arcade hungry. Along the back wall of one of the booths in the arcade was a picture of the Crown Arcade's favorite patron, Usagi Tsukino. Not only was Usagi the first customer to order everything off the menu, she was also the first customer to eat it all in just one sitting. Within the picture was Luna, her cat, holding up a sheet of note paper. A crudely drawn picture on the notepaper was a caricature of a pleasantly plump girl, it was drawn in red crayon and the words "Usagi Fat" were written in dyslexic English. Apparently, Usagi had been fasting for several days and was hungry after the gym across the street was mysteriously destroyed.

Below the picture of Usagi and Luna was a picture of Lita, Mina, Usagi, Amy, and Raye sitting in the same booth it was resting. Andrew sprayed the table with a cleaning solution, then using a soft cloth he wiped the table off. Sigh, after Usagi went missing, the arcade lost it's best customer… customers. Considering the only regular customers of the crown arcade were Usagi, her friends, and her little brother, the arcade was loosing business. The arcade business was dead. In fact, if it weren't for new the Sailor V Action game no one would even give the Arcade a second glance. You would think being both an all American restaurant, and serving the biggest meals in all of Tokyo would have made the Crown Arcade more than a novelty.

Andrew had another problem. Last night he almost ran over some cat with his car. The thing just ran out into the street and collapsed. Andrew lived and worked in the arcade, but in his free time he was a freelance photographer…and the newspapers were offering a million Yen for first Photographer to get face shots of the scouts. So far he had only managed to get a few action shots from half a block away. Last night, things were looking hopeful. There was an explosion just down the street. Where there's smoke there's fire, he'd be the first photographer on the scene, and he'd get to test out his new digital camera. Unfortunately, some cat darted into the street and colapsed. Causing Andrew to skid to a halt as the front left tire blew out on his Audi 80, this caused him to lose control of the vehicle and he almost crushed the kamikaze kitty.

After the car halted Andrew exited the vehicle and checked to make sure the cat wasn't road kill. Wrapping the cat up with his shirt, Andrew gently placed the cat in the passenger seat and went to fix the tire. After fixing the tire he checked to see if the cat had any broken bones, finding nothing but a small knot on the cats head. "Luna?" not knowing of any animal shelters in the area he decided to take it back with him to the arcade. Looking through the phone book Andrew called every veterinarian listed, but it was late and no one answered. He then called the Tsukino's emergency number and found that they were all in the hospital after the sailor scouts burned their house down. Not wanting to worry the family any further and having no idea what to do, Andrew placed a band aid on Luna's head and decided to call it a night.

Ranma woke up in a sock drawer, it was quite uncomfortable, and the very act of waking up disgusted her. Especially as she was greeted with the odor of stinky feet mixed with fabric softeners and detergent. Ranma clutched her head in pain…ok, she remembered the meeting the Tendo's, getting clobbered on the head, but what happened afterwards? Oh well, Ranma was sure it wasn't important. Another problem concerning Ranma was that her memories were Swiss cheesed…and there was something very sticky on her head that needed to come off.

"nya?" Ranma asked, as he reached up and felt the band aid on his head. Trying to remove the annoying thing was going to be harder than she first realized, as she hopped out of the sock drawer and started rubbing her head against all the sharp corners in the room. 'jeez, did they stick this thing on with superglue? Ranma asked aloud, using they to describe the one who had put her in this fix in the first place. But what concerned ranma the most was her question came out garbled. "meow miyah moyah?" The very sounds caused Ranma to shudder. Ranma knew she was in her capybara form. She knew it wasn't a different form because her balance hadn't changed, and upon closer inspection, the rest of the body matched. but this was the first time since the accident she was unable to speak…then Ranma bumped into a floor mirror hanging on the door of Andrew's bedroom. There before him was a cat with a large pink bandage over its forehead ' eek, a Cat!' "nya! Miyah!" Ranma jumped away from the mirror and hid under the bed. Ranma peeked out from under the bed and noticed in the reflection, the cat was likewise hiding under the bed, glancing quickly to the left he noticed out of the corner of her eye the cat was looking to the right.

It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. Ranma approached the mirror and place her paw against the reflection. This was awful, she didn't want to be a monster. Ranma was crushed, her head hung low. She didn't want to look at her reflection in the mirror, but she forced herself too anyway, because she had to get the stupid bandage off her head. That thing was all kinds of irritating. After realizing band aid might be easier to remove if she was human, which took a while because her brain was the size of a walnut, Ranma decided to look for the kitchen.


	8. Chapter 8

**Are You Serious?**

_Chapter 8_

By Gabriel R. Lopez

Ranma, groaned, murred or whatever as her feline form entered the arcade . Due to a most unfortunate series of circumstances, Ranma discovered she was a black cat with a hideously large bandaid across her forhead. Just another one of those things the vicious little panda girl lied about… worse, she was stuck that way, until she could find some hot water. Which irritated her to no end as she was closed off in some strange Man's bedroom.

"ACHOO!" bamph. "…" Ranma was momentarily shocked when she discovered she was now once again human. And, that she was still dressed as sailor moon. Well, this would certainly make things easier. Ranma wandered across the hall and involuntarily sauntered down the stairs of the two story building. Ranma, momentarily hid herself behind a cardboard cut out of Sailor V as Andrew passed. Andrew was busily carrying three cases of imported Rockstar cola into the kitchen and walked past Ranma without a second glance…. Although he didn't quite remember when he got that cardboard cut out of Sailor Moon.

The guy carrying the cases of soda passed her without a second glance. Ranma decided to keep it that way, as the sight of a raven haired blue eyed girl in a sailor suit of justice was bound to raise a few eyebrows. Ranma was sure of it the moment she saw her reflection in a mirrored wall of the arcade. Ranma hadn't really noticed the oddity of her reflection, as she had grown so used to being a blonde, the very idea of her reflection having blonde hair went completely unnoticed even though her hair was now raven black. If only she wasn't wearing such a glaring eyesore… oh how she wished she wasn't wearing the miniskirt leotard combination at all. The large red bow practically made her a target of unwanted attention the outfit almost seemed to glow as Ranma concentrated on how much she hated it and whished she wasn't wearing such a hideous…Ranma's eyes expanded to the size of dinner plates in shock.

Andrew tripped and fell to the floor like a klutz when he noticed the naked girl out of the corner of his eye within the arcade mirror to his right. He knew it must have been his imagination, because when he looked to the left and no one was there. Just above Andrew, lurking like a ghost in the shadows. A very undressed and very scared Ranma Saotome clung to the cealing. Only now did Ranma noticed her hair was raven black. She also noted that her hair was still rolled into two buns with streamers falling from them. If she was lucky she'd get out of this without completely embarrassing her self… odd ranma never noticed how much embarrassed sound a lot like "in bare ass" until now. Andrew pulled himself to his feet and brushed a streamer of hair back away from his…face. Knowing immediately the hair was not his own, looking up, his eyes met Ranma's.

"Boo." was Ranma's stealthily reply.

Andrew screamed like a little girl. And with good reason. Samara Morgan was hanging from the ceiling and was out to get him "ahhh!" running out of the arcade in a panic, and creating a man sized hole in the process, Andrew started shouting unintelligibly in English " she's real… oh god she's real. I don't wanna die!" Ironically, it had been almost seven days since Andrew watched "The Ring." And, the sight of a mysterious, naked, black haired, teenage girl, magically clinging to the ceiling like a ghost was creepy. More so, after the phone call that warned him he had seven days… at the time he thought he was being punked by his girlfriend. Personally he felt the movie relied too much on surprise to be taken seriously…but now his life depended on him illegally burning a copy of the movie to DVD.

A confused Ranma relinquished her ghost like grip on the ceiling of the arcade. Ranma then used her almost feline agility to twist herself around like a cat and land on her feet. Making sure there was no one else in the arcade she quicky rushed up the stairs, rushed back into Andrew's room and stole an oversized pair of blue jeans, a belt, and a Kappa Mikey T-shirt. Ranma went to the bathroom to solve another one of her problems. Removing the bandage revealed a moon shaped tattoo on her forehead. Ranma momentarily wondered if it was a scar but dismissed the idea. Sadly the ondango's seemed to be held together by magic somehow. She could unravel the Ondangos, brush it through with a comb, shape her long hair into a pigtail and tie it off but afterwards the hair would just unravel and curl into two bun like ondangos. Irritating as it was she had been playing with her hair in Andrew's apartment for well over a half hour. Ranma sighed, she Didn't have anywhere to go. She didn't know where she was, and she didn't want to marry Akane. Despite her reservations, Ranma went to the pay out counter downstairs. Resting next to the telephone was a copy of the yellow pages. After finding the entry for the Tendo Dojo Ranma decided to give them a call. . .

Elsewhere…

"wah!" a very unhappy ham ham cried.

"Hiya Oxnard! What you up too?" Ryoga called out. Oxnard stopped crying jumped to his feet and gave Ryoga a big hug. Ryoga's left eye twitched as he noticed a rouge sunflower seed that appeared to be sticking into Oxnards butt.

"Hamtaryoga! It's you. We were all so worried" Oxnard squeezed his friend tighter. Ryoga struggled to get away. All the warm fuzzy feelings were making him nauseous.

"That's nice Oxnard, you can let go now" Ryoga tried to break free of Oxnard's grip. Oxnard finally released Ryoga and started crying again.

"what's wrong Ox?" Ryoga asked concerned.

"Sniffle, My sunflower seed has gone missing."

"uh…huh." Ryoga rolled his eyes.

"have you seen it?" Oxnard asked

"stand still." Ryoga quikly reached behind Oxnard and peeled the sunflower seed off his butt. "Tada!."

"wow! Thank you Hamtaro, you never told me you were a magician." Oxnard one again hugged Ryoga.

"yes I'm truly amazing. please, no more huggles." Ryoga pushed Oxnard away. "Is Boss around? I've discovered something about the Jusenkyo curse…"

Meanwhile at the Tendo dojo…

"I'm not your dolly, and you can't make me wear that!" Genma whined . She was wearing a towel around her midsection, her hair a dripping wet mass of pink. "I'm a man!" the nerve of that Kasumi girl trying to force her into wearing such an unsightly outfit.

"Look, I'm sorry Akane burned all your stuff and probably killed Ranma. But I warned you not to call her her a violent maniac. Besides, in an hour we're all going to th Juuban District, and you can buy whatever you want. But for right now you can't just run around the house naked."

"watch me!" Genma Stuck out her tongue.

"GOT HER!" Nabiki shouted in triumph as she grabbed a hold on Genma. Who was still modestly covered by the towel as she kicked her legs at Kasumi

"NO, I don't wanna' wear the overalls!" Genma whined.

"look, it's the only outfit we have that will fit you."

"No, I won't do it. You can't make me wear that!" Genma steamed.

Ten minutes later…

She put up a brave fight, but was unable to overpower Kasumi and Nabiki. As a result she was now wearing a bright orange sweater with blue overalls, yellow socks, and neon pink high tops that were two sizes too big for her feet. She felt like a clown. To make matters worse, Nabiki had tied her hair into the most ridiculous hairstyle imaginable, apparently haven taken Ranma's "yam head" comment to a whole new level. Genma would make them pay for the humiliation he now had to endure…well maybe not Kasumi, but Nabiki was definitely going to feel the wraith of Genma Saotome just you wait.

Genma harrumphed as she flopped onto the sofa, and used the channel clicker to turn on the TV. Genma was worried, It was still morning and there was still no word from the boy. The News anchor was reporting about a fire that had broke out the night before as a result of the Sailor Senshi's battle with the doom and gloom girls leaving an entire city block homeless. Then a news anchor interviewed some moron who thought he saw the ghost of Samara Morgan. Genma laughed when they showed a segment about a little girl who was desperately searching for her missing gerbil named Hamtaro. Little Laura Haruna, the daughter of a local school teacher, had even put up flyers of the little bandanna clad rodent all over Tokyo.

"all right everyone, time for breakfast." Kasumi walked in front of the television and obscuring all view of the momentous reunion of Usagi Tsukino with her parents. "that means you too young lady."

"fine," an irritated Genma growled as she entered the kitchen. Stupid curse, stupid outfit, stupid hair. "stupid Akane!" of all the things to say aloud. Akane glared at her all through breakfast. It was a withering glance that literally sent shivers down Genma's spine.

Back at the arcade…

"we're sorry, the number you are trying to call has been disconnected." came the mechanical voice of an automated teller. Ranma hung up the phone for the second time in as many minutes.

"Just great." Ranma thought aloud as she tore the page out of the phone book. Ranma figured the address was good and decided to make a go for it. After finding Andrew's bike, slipping on a pair of flip flops, and rolling up the oversized pant legs of the jeans to a more manageable length. Ranma was off to find the Tendo Dojo.


	9. Chapter 9

**Are you serious?**

_Chapter 9_

By Gabriel R Lopez

If one were to ask what Ranma's motivation for returning to the Tendo dojo was, quite simply, she had no where to go. She had no best friends, no other family besides her father, and she was lost in a place unfamiliar to her, in a body that didn't belong to her. She was quite literally alone, at least with her father there was the illusion that someone cared for her.

Ranma Saotome was a daredevil , which is why she took the opportunity that was presented to her and hopped her bike up the dividing wall between the road and a nearby gated community. Gravity was by no means the enemy of Ranma Saotome years of martial arts freestyle bike training had made her an expert on balance and skill. After performing several stunts, including popping wheelie while traveling along the wall 170 feet. Ranma finaly lost her balance when she ran out of wall. It was a rough landing but Ranma was able to avoid any broken bones… that was shear luck not skill. The bike wasn't as lucky. Good thing it wasn't hers.

Ranma had a funny feeling in her stomach, it wasn't hunger. It was the one that usually accompanied fear. Out of the corner of her eye Ranma noticed a kitty cat. Ranma checked to make sure, yes it was a kitty cat. It went meow, meow, meow and looked like it had just eaten a canary. Ranma, who was still tangled in the wreckage of the bike, managed to get to herself free. Instantly, she tripped over the bike in an attempt to get away from the kitty cat. Having fallen to the ground Ranma squirmed against the cinderblock wall, as the kitty cat rubbed itself against he left leg and purred.

Ranma was Destiny's bitch… Quite literally as Destiny was the name of the little tom cat that had decided Ranma would be his mate. While the physics of it didn't make much sense, Destiny knew that Ranma was a Cat, even though she looked like a human.

"n-nice kitty." Ranma choked out as Destiny purred and rubbed himself all over her. While it was true Ranma was aluriphobic, she could tolerate one or two cats without going into the Neko Ken. However, regardless of size, cats quite literally scared the poo out of her. Ranma pulled herself to her feet and tried to get away but there was another cat blocking her path.

Fate folded his ears back, why that little runty bastard Destiny was hitting on his girl. Well, fate wasn't taking any chances, he'd wipe that sly grin off of Destiny's face one way or the other. Because every cat knows big and ugly wins out over small and cute. "murrrrr, hiss"

Ok, bad sound, bad sound. Ranma had quite literally had had enough of the feline element and decided it best to get the hell out of there before "Achoo!" bamph! "F(bleeeeeeeeep)k!" Rama cursed as her body once again reverted to feline form. Ranma struggled to escape the confines of her...or rather Andrew's clothes.

Oh good, the female was ready to mate, thought Karma, who had just arrived and was blocking Ranma's path from yet another escape route. Five or six more tom cats showed up. Where the hell were they all coming from? Ranma couldn't take it anymore, and finally snapped into the Neko Ken.

Explanations? Luna had none. The last thing she remembered was tracking down Usagi to some obscure region of China after the poor girl had been kidnapped , and now… she was surrounded by an unholy army of tom cats. Luna immediately recognized Famine, Pestilence, Wargiver, and Kello. Worse, she was cornered and knew any minute something really bad was going to happen. Where the hell was Hercules when she needed him.

"You leave my mamma alone you ruffians!" Came the call of a small grey kitten. The kitten had hopped of the a stone wall dividing the street from a local school"

'oh god no.' was the first thought that popped into Luna's head. The very idea of children sent shivers down her spine. "who?"

"Don't worry momma," the Kitten turned around to face Luna, there was a crescent moon shaped marking on her brow and she had a sparkling pair of ruby eyes. "I'll take care of them for you!" The kitten then turned back to face their attackers.

Luna left eye stared to twitch. if she couldn't handle this many tom cats on her own, what could a kitten do, and who was that girl's father?

As the Tom cat's leaped for the two moon cats the kitten simply cried out "STOP! DON'T MOVE!" in an instant the tom cats all became immediately paralysed. Some fell to the ground others just couldn't move.

"how? I mean who…what the hell is going on?" Luna screamed, she was confused.

"The name is Ryu, Ryu Kumon. I'm from the future."

"Luna Kaguya … n-nice to meet you. Did you say you were from the future?" from Ryu's sir name Luna knew immediately that she hadn't slept with Artemis, so she had at least dodged that bullet.

"Yes…can you tell me how to find Genma Saotome?"Ryu asked

"who?" was Luna's reply.

"a young girl about ten years old, pink hair …likes to dress up like a panda."

"I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name." Luna observed that Ryu was one unhappy kitty.

"shoot! I traveled to far back." Ryu cursed.

"um, not to pry or anything. But, who exactly is your father?" Luna asked

'frack' Ryu hadn't thought she would ask him that. "uh…I can't tell you. It might alter the time space continuum."

"oh god, I hope it's not Hercules." Luna muttered.

"what?" Ryu asked. Luna was mumbling, and for a moment, Ryu was worried the jig was up.

"ha! nothing, absolutely nothing for you to worry about… I'm just shocked is all. Perhaps we better leave before the boys wake up."

"uh… sure thing momma." Ryu replied.

After the two of them walked past the fallen colony of tom cats, and crossed through a parking lot in silence…

"Ryu…out of curiosity who named you?"

"um…" frak, she was on to him "w-why do you ask momma?"

"well, Ryu is really more of a boy's name. you look more like a Diana."

"I'm a girl?…I mean, of course I' m a girl ha ha ha tee he."

Luna raised an eyebrow. Daughter or not she needed to keep an eye on this one. She wouldn't put it past the dark kingdom to clone one for their own nefarious purposes. Then again, if she truly was from the future, by making contact with Luna, Ryu may have altered the timeline, thus Luna may have decided to have her child a cycle earlier or later, and this could have affected the outcome of his or her gender. Luna hated time travel, there were far too many consequences and possibilities to consider. Oh well, she really should check in with the scouts as soon as possible.


	10. Chapter 10

**Are you serious?**

**Chapter 10**

_by GabrielsThoughts_

"Aye-yi-yi-yi- yi!" Alpha was panicked "Rita repulsa has killed off all the power rangers! What are we going to do?"

"Dammit Alpha, I told you to select teenagers with attitude! Now the earth is doomed." to say Zordon was displeased was an understatement.

" Wait…We should have just enough power to create a new power ranger!" for a breif moment alpha had hope

"It's our only hope. Select a teenager with attitude…"If the Rangers never existed, the fate of the earth was sealed in crystal Tokyo hell. Zordon could not let Setsuna beat him again. Watching the imaginary chess board of time and space unfold through the gates of time, Setsuna smiled…check and mate.

"Locking on to teen angst, rebelion against authority, uncontrollable outbursts of depression and rage." Alpha chimed.

Within seconds the new ranger arrived, transported through a beam of energy…

"Alpha!" Zordon was outraged.

"I don't know what went wrong sir, perhaps there are no teenagers with attitude left." was Alpha's simplistic reply.

"you mean to tell me the fate of the world rests in the hands of a…a… hamster?"

"chu?" was the curious reply from a verry puzzled Ryoga.

Elsewhere Ryu Kumon was contemplating mutilation and genocide. Ryu Kumon was a very good liar, he had to be, from the time he was six years old Ryu had been living on his own thanks to Genma Saotome. Genma had given his father a scroll containing the dreaded Yama sen ken. A form of martial arts that relies heavily on mesmerism, brute strength, and intimidation. Having no family nor friends Ryu lived a harsh lonely existence. His very survival depended on his knowledge of where Ranma and Genma was at any given moment… Watching from the shadows, Ryu would often raid the Saotome's campsite for food. At one point the wondered if Genma knew he was following them, since he always seemed to leave such an obvious trail for Ryu to follow or would stop just long enough for him to catch up. The trail grew harder to follow as the years passed, and eventually and Ryu steadily became expert at stealth once Genma taught Ranma the art of knife throwing. Ryu learned quickly the bastard knew exactly where he was at any given moment the Kunai started whizzing past scant centimeters from his location. Or rather Genma did until Ryu learned to move like a thief in silence.

Ryu Kumon was not however a time traveler, having lost the Saotome's trail at Jusenkeyo. Ryu had the unfortunate destinction of being pushed, yes pushed, into one of the springs by the Jusenkeyo guide. What he expected to come up was a small pink haired girl he could pass off as the one who pushed herb into spring of drowned cockroach… sadly the only thing that came up was a Grey kitten with a cresent moon on its head. The guide knew what that meant…the spring was the random result of not one but two victims, the pink haired girl and a grey kitten. Oh well, he could always sell the kitty on eBay like all the other victims. Having finally arrived at the cherry temple Ryu decided to let the moment speak for itself. Once it was revealed that Ryu was in fact Luna's Daughter, the cursed martial artist was assaulted by the girls.

"She's so cyuuuute!"

Artemis wasn't too thrilled. Had it been the other way around she would have scratched his eyes out. Of coruse this explained everything, Luna's absence, her unexplained weight gain Artemis gasped "You tramp."

"oh shut up!" Luna huffed.

"Was it Hercules?" Artemis asked, " I mean really, how could you?"

"ooh it must have been true love" Mina squealed in delight. "she's adorwable.

"put me down" Ryu was getting snippy, and with good reason. Mina and the other girls who moonlighted as sailor scouts, Minus Usagi Tsukino and those whom had not awaken, were torturing her…him. There was enough love in the room to kill an imaginary pink elephant.

"please, I'm on a mission in search of Genma Saotome. "

"who?" the girls asked in unison.

Realizing the amount of power he held at this moment, Ryu decided to milk it for all it was worth. The little grey moon cat got an evil smirk on her face "We call her Black Lady, she's an unholy force of evil beyond your wildest imaginings. And, it's because of her my father died." Ryu then sniffled for dramatic effect. " then s-she covered me with Goma su sesame sauce and, and threw me into a pit of starving hamsters." this was in fact true as Genma Saotome had promised to teach Ryu an ultimate fighting technique second only to the Neko ken…unfortunately the Hamster ken, training had made Ryu afraid of all rodents in general including chipmunks, squirrels, rats, and mice.

A collective gasp was heard throughout the room.

Back at the ranger compund Zordon was having a fit. "I ask you to do one thing, and you cant even do that right. I mean really, how hard can it be to summon a teenager with attitude."

"The sensors must be malfunctioning." as a machine itself Alpha knew it was unfaultable

Zordon groaned. " just summon the most skilled martial artist in japan under the age of twenty."

Somewhere at the mall Genma Broke out into a sneezing fit… damn allergies. Genma wiped the snot on the blue sundress Kasumi wanted her to try on. it wasn't like she was ever going to wear it again. an instant later, the very same pink haired girl disappeared from the changing room. In that moment she was gone, as she was transported to a room with a giant Emo head against her will.

"Greetings ranger, you have been summoned to save the world from…" Zordon looked at the litte girl with cotton candy hair tied in the most ridiculous hairstyle he had ever seen. "what are you like twelve?"

"47" Genma responded. .

"riiiiight" Zordon shot a glare at Alpha. Oh well a pre-teen with attitude was better than nothing… the Ranger uniform would never fit, but that Sailor moon outfit the pink ranger shrunk in the wash after last Halloween's fiasco could work. at that same moment a hamster dropped from the rafters and landed on Genma's head. in fact since the hamster had arrived Zordon had been trailing his confused journey through the compound to make sure it didn't chew thorough any wires. reaching up to find what had landed in her hair Genma found the curious rodent and recognized him almost immediately

"you Villain!…kidnapping a poor little girl's hamster." Genma distinctly remembered this particular hamster from the morning news.

"It was an accident, I swear!" Alpha cried "we were trying to find a teenager with attitude! But a great evil has damaged our transporters!"

"That's right , young ranger you have been summoned to save the world from that great evil." the giant emo head stated.

"Is it Samara Morgan?" Genma had to ask, because on the scale of evil, that was right up there with barney and squirrels.

"no, it is a force of evil far more sinister… beings from the silver millennium are trying to undermine the time stream. As a ranger it is your duty to stop them and the negaverse…and the uh moon goblins." Zordon telepathically finished the alterations to the sailor fuku and linked the outfit with a morpher. Setsuna wouldn't notice an extra scout until it was too late, and by then his ranger will have caused so much chaos Crystal Tokyo would be destroyed.

The morpher suddenly appeared on Genma's arm. "Ghetto Pink ranger, this is your morpher, use it wisely to fight for love an justice. To activate it, simply use activation code I've placed in your subconscious. "

"Alright, It's morphing time!" Genma shouted as she performed a series of unnecessary judo chops " Moon Cosmic Ranger Power!" within half a second the transformation sequence engaged.

Ghetto pink ranger? that liar! She looked more like a miniature version of a sailor moon...with cotton candy flare. Genma's eye twitched, this was horrible. She was nowwearing a magical leotard with a matching skirt, knee length boots, and elbow length gloves… to say Genma was upset that she was wearing a fru fru girly anything was an understatement. So Genma did what any other Jusenkyo victem insecure about there manhood would do…she used her new powers, in addition to sealed forbidden martial arts techniques to destroy Zordon, Alpha and the base. within ten minutes, the whole base of operations for the power rangers was destroyed.

After Genma discovered she was lost somewhere in the Gobai desert she cursed herself. How the bleep was she supposed to get back to Tokyo. Ryoga had securely nestled himself in Genma's hair…

'This is wonderful', Ryoga thought, he hadn't been this close to the Crown Arcade in months.

Setsuna smiled as the probability for Crystal Tokyo jumped by fifty percent. Chibi Usa had done her a huge favor, Setsuna literally owed her one … of course she was still trying to piece together how poor Rini had discovered the location of the hidden ranger base on her own. Setsuna thought it best not to worry about such things and transported the confused girl to the negaverse, so she could save, or rather distract Sailor moon from an incoming attack by Prince Darrien. curiously, Setsuna puzzled. she never knew Usagi was so methodically skilled in the martial arts. Sure it was fun to watch her beat Darrien out of beryl's nega-trance, but she was expecting Usagi to play on darrien's heart strings to release him from the spell...oh well, timelines do change. looking at Crystal Tokyo once more Setsuna thought how beutiful it looked even if there were flying brains and tenticle like vines creeping all over the palace...the brains looked familiar. it took her a moment to full grasp the major foul up that was Crystal Tokyo. 'no worries' Setsuna thought, she would just arrange for someone to become their own grandfather. In that way she could fix the timeline with out creating another... wait was the little pink hared girl called l Rini or Chibi Usa? Setsuna groaned. she was going to need an asprin, it was going to take a long time to work out this knot in the time stream. where the hell was the doctor when you need him most.

When Genma arrived in the Negaverse she had already had missed out on the whole kittens with mittens joke that Ryu and Artemis had to suffer though, and the death of Dolomite, Luna's mysterious and prolonged disappearance, and Malachite's defeat…in the grand scheme of things only two days had passed since Ranma and his father first encountered the Tendo's…

Of course once Beryl and Metalia erased everyone's memories, and reset the whole timeline. It really didn't matter anymore. The timeline was restored to the state it would have been in had the sailor scouts never encountered the negaverse

Usagi yawned…what a freaky dream. Usagi decided she needed to take a nice cool refreshing morning shower before she could take on the day...

the sopping wet Luna was shocked as she fell into the tub unbalanced...what the hell was going on. why is she in a shower. let's see... cherry temple, plan to over throw the negaverse, new daughter...WtF! Hopping out of the shower a very frustrated and wet Luna decided to get some answers, surely Artemis would know why everything was pear shaped.


	11. Chapter 11

**Are you serious?**

**Chapter 11**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Genma Saotome awoke…something was definitely not right. This was definitely not the Tendo dojo. The 47 year old man in the body of a ten or twelve year old girl was confused… really confused. Why was she wearing a slip. Where the heck was she? Why was the room so pink? These questions and more plagued Genma Saotome. When the large 20 foot doors of the bedchamber opened and several servants flocked into the room Genma was really confused

"Excuse me, can anyone tell me what's going on?" other than the strange dream she had the night before Genma had no explanations for what had just occurred. She remembered going to the mall with Nabiki and Kasumi to buy some clothes to replace the ones Akane destroyed …and then what. Gen couldn't remember the last time she had a dream so vivid. Of course the last time she had such a dream she was an eight year old boy. A giant Emo head…a falling hamster, which looked an awful lot like the one she had seen the news earlier. That must have been it, she felt guilty about laughing at that poor little girl's misery and created a whole dream centered around rescuing the pitiful creature from a retarded robot and an evil floating head. Lost in thought, Gen missed the whole exchange of clothing. It was very easily missed since one the servants simply tapped Genma on the forehead and the slip was magically replaced "hey that hurt!" Genma was now wearing an orange top, with a purple jacket, and green short shorts. With a snap of her fingers another servant had made a pair of purple sneakers and pink socks appear on Gen's feet. The other servants simply replaced the bedclothes the old fashioned way. They were all smiling and seemed cheerful, but through their eyes Genma could see they were all dead on the inside. They responded to her as if they had been given a lobotomy, which is to say they didn't respond to her at all.

"Could someone please tell me what's going on?" Gen tried to ask once more as the servants left. Genma reached up to her hair, other than the purple ribbon it appeared to be in the same shape Nabiki had left it in…wait a second. What was she wearing? Her attempts at taking anything off other than the shoes and jacket failed. The shorts would only come off as far as her knees and she could lift the shirt up only as far as her bra. Dammit ! Genma cursed as she pulled down the shirt and hefted up the shorts. It was as if the outfit was magically bonded to her somehow. Oh god what if she had to go to the bathroom or something. No sooner was the thought echoed in her mind than the shorts and underwear pulled themselves down to her knees. Gen one again hefted up her shorts. As she zipped and button the short shorts she wondered what kind of evil maniacal fiend would do this to her. She knew it wasn't master Happosi, the underwear was too conservative and he wasn't interested in little girls. "ug!" was Gen's disgusted reply as she decided it would be best to wait for her tormentors to reveal themselves .

Some Milenia earlier, wiping the sleep from her eyes with the sleeve of the oversized pajama top, Usagi awoke from a really freaky dream… more of a nightmare really, she was kidnapped by a strange Chinese man…and then she escaped before the guide could have is way with her, and then she fell into a spring and turned into a capybara….and then she drowned because she didn't know how to swim. I suppose awoke was too strong a term to describe the half dead state she was in. the bathroom was just across the hall from Usagi's bedroom so imagine Usagi's surprise when she bumped into the wall. Usagi shook her head to clear some cobwebs and realized the door had moved. That silly door…she walked into the room across the hall, which was not the bathroom at all. Oddly enough this still wasn't sending up any red flags for the blue eyed girl… now where was that bathroom hiding. Leaving the newly discovered bedroom usagi wandered into the hall and leaned against the opposing wall. She was soooo tired, it was as if she fought the negaverse to a draw. Oh how she needed an ice cold shower, yeah that would wake her. Closing her eyes, Usagi fell asleep again leaning against the wall until her body collapsed to the ground with a thud. Well that woke her up…how on earth did she wind up at the cherry temple? She must have been sleepwalking again…oh well, it wasn't that big a deal. Crap, that meant the doctors would probably just up the dose on her sleeping medication again.

Usagi decided that she reeealy needed to use the shower. Quickly fishing a towel and a Miko uniform out of the hall closet Usagi went into the bathroom of the cherry temple, it was a small western style bathroom with a shower-tub combination you find in most hotel rooms. Stepping into the shower without a second thought Usagi twisted the knob…the shower roared to life with a koosh sound and Luna was now standing in the shower with a confused look on her face. Confused was an understatement… a sopping wet Luna contemplated what she was doing in a shower while simultaneously trying to figure out what happened yesterday. After the discussion about Ryu She vaguely remembered the scouts telling her that Usagi had returned from God knows where. Apparently she had just missed her when the Tuskino home was destroyed….then they kept needling her for information about where she went after the fire. she wasn't even sure she was there, but the girls were so insistent. She also didn't really understand the questions about what it was like to be human…she supposed it wasn't much different from being a cat and related this information to the scouts. Then she went into the kitchen and …. Raye was boiling some water to make macaroni and cheese, the water boiled over the pot. Everything after that was a blank. and what of her plans to overthrow the Negaverse? Luna was going cross eyed trying to figure out what was going on. "Artemis!" Luna simply stated aloud , he had to know what was going on. Luna rushed out of the bathroom as quickly as possible as a hamster with a yellow bandanna wandered in. steam was starting to emanate from the shower as the water heater kicked on.

Sweet, Ryoga couldn't remember the last time he had been quite this lucky. He changed his mind when a naked Raye wandered into the bathroom and saw a strange man in the shower. With a cry of pervert she proceeded to beat the living crap out of him before he could explain. When Ryoga finally returned to being a hamster after running though the house naked and out the front door into the pouring rain…Raye was bombarded with a flash of memories. Quickly grabbing a broom she chased after the hamster, who was surprisingly spry and agile. Dodging the broom was difficult but Ryoga managed to avoid it three out of four times. The crazed girl chased him though the pouring rain down a flight of steps and off the property. This didn't matter to ryoga who just kept running in a straight line to get as far away from this threshold of hell. "That's right negacreep you better run!" Raye called out to the hamster, naked as the day she was born. Oh well, it wasn't as if anyone would see her through the pouring rain. Then there was a squeal of brakes as a replica of the Mach 5 skidded to a halt drove up the hill and through the wall of the cherry temple then flipped over.

Haruka was driving past the cherry temple in the pouring rain at precisely 5:15am, after slamming on the brakes to avoid a gerbil or something, the expert on hairpin turns, drift, and racing, forgot all her defensive driving training when she saw a very sexy girl standing outside a Miko shrine in her birthday suit holding a broom in a provocative manner…well the broom wasn't really being held provocatively, but Haruka's perverse trail of thought was thinking of several hundred things she could do with that broom and that naked girl. Which is why she was shocked when the Mach 5 crashed through the front wall of the cherry temple… the car flipped and skidded to a halt through the living room of the cherry temple. Boy it was a good thing the Mach 5 had seatbelts…otherwise that could have really hurt .


	12. Chapter 12

**Are You Serious?**

_**Chapter 12**_

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

One might consider the sight of a topless hamster in an itsy-bitsy, tiny-weenie, yellow, polka-dot, bikini odd. Not Ryoga, having lived among the ham ham population this sort of thing was the everyday norm. Although , one would have to admit that his personal bias was based partially on the fact that he was wearing said Polka-dot bikini briefs. Yes, after his recent incident at the miko shrine, Ryoga vowed never to be nude again … of course, he immediately abandoned the idea the moment he de transformed and found himself with a painful wedgie. Granted the odds of a computer programmer knocking over a Styrofoam cup half full of coffee from a 4th floor balcony at 8 o'clock in the morning because of negligence was odd…and, that the coffee (cup) lid would just seem to "pop off" over the precise location were poor Hamtaro-Ryoga was wandering in the bushes , was just bad physics.

It was unfortunate that the magic of the bandanna could only stretch so far, because the sight of human form Ryoga in a thong, is just disturbing. An hour later…a very sunburned Ryoga wandered into the through the doors of a Cos-play warehouse. This was purely coincidental as it was the first clothing goods store he had come across since returning to normal. The young, female, and clearly negaverse, clerks were eager to help the pyre of life-force that had wandered in off the street. Of course the trick was they had to keep him in the store as long as possible. Which wasn't hard because some of the costumes in the store were more than lifelike, they were alive. So all they really had to do was get him cornered by one of the furry catgirl costumes, but since Ryoga was only interested in the people costumes they had to find a way to trick him into that part of the store…

Ryoga didn't find it odd that the Kagome Higurashi was the store clerk helping him find the perfect tuxedo mask combination. Nor did he find it odd that Lum Yatsura was the other attending clerk. as Ryoga wasn't really familiar with Artist Rumiko Takahashi. No, Ryoga was more fascinated with American, and French Comics such as Naruto, One piece, and Fruits Basket. Of course had Ryoga not found the comics in those respected countries in their native languages, he would have simply assumed the Comics were Japanese Manga.

………………………………...

Luna was in the process of tracking down Artemis when she spotted some weirdo roaming the streets in nothing but a yellow polka dot… egad! was that a bandanna being used as a thong? Preposterous. The very idea was anything if not silly. Luna shook her head to clear some more of the cobwebs that seemed cloud her addled memory from time to time. Honestly, mistaking the Hino shrine for the Tsukino ho…me.

"Oh G-god no!" a terrified Luna stuttered aloud. It finally happened. Luna and Usagi had somehow become telepathically linked, it was the only explanation for something such as this. Luna knew it was theoretically possible for a magical guardian to develop an empathic bond. Heck, Artemis was so polarized to Mina he was practically her woobie.

After briefly scanning through Usagi's memories it was a wonder the girl got anything accomplished at all, the amount of information Usagi processed was almost unimaginable. Normal people, or at least Luna herself, would disregard most of the useless extra information Usagi had stored in her brain. For instance, Usagi knew that by spending ten minutes in an athletic club, one could hear the sound of the exercise bike, the treadmill, a stroller, baby crying, ping pong balls pinging, basket balls bouncing, the air conditioner, the fans, fluorescent lighting, the radio, clock, flip flops, giggling, gossiping whispers, flatulence, and two televisions… Luna's left eye started twitching. The school library has 4,756 books, Usagi knew the precise layout of her school's library in every detail barring the content of the books within it…she remembered the sound of the scanner the hum of the computers the florescent lighting, keyboard typing, the location of all three clocks, the rules to seventeen trading card games, including Magic the Gathering, Harry Potter, Yugioh, Star wars, Pokemon, and that Amy sneezes with her mouth open. Usagi knew that …bla bla bla bla.

Usagi clutched her head, or rather Luna clutched her head from information overload. Usag- Luna briefly wondered if this had anything to do with the missing time she had been experiencing, and then thought of all the trouble she…that is Usagi could have cotton- er gotten into as a cat. Apparently Usagi had spent a lot of time fantasizing about what she would do if she became an animal and yet another dump of useless information was downloaded into Luna's brain… including Usagi's memories of drowning as a capybara

"J-Jusenkeyo! Usagi she- I " a look of fear, shock, and terror washed across he face. This explained everything. The missing time, Usagi's memories, the girls asking her what it was like to be human, the desire to find hot water…it all fit. "Gasp! Oh No, I fell into spring of drowned obsessive compulsive magical girl with attention deficit disorder!! "


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer(Just a friendly reminder): I do not own Sailor Moon, Hamtaro, or Ranma, but I'm sure you already knew that.

**Are you serious?**

**_Chapter 13_**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Sometime in the future, a formerly bald martial artist , was exploring her surroundings. Genma, !who! thanks to a double dip at Jusenkeyo, had lost any trace of his original form. And, thanks to prince Herb of the musk, now looked like a twelve year old girl with particularly bad fashion sense. Of course if Gen could figure out a way to take the clothes off and burn them she would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, after waking up from a particularly disturbing nightmare, the bedroom she was in was quickly invaded by an army of stereotypical French maids with mystical super powers. Genma was now wearing an orange shirt, a purple jacket, and green short shorts. This, in combination with the matching socks and shoes, did not go well with her locks of pink hair (which had been fastidiously tied with purple yarn and ribbons into rabbit eared pigtails).

After spending the better portion of three or four minutes trying to take the outfit off, and accomplishing nothing more than embarrassing herself further, Genma Decided to do something productive. There was a rumbly in her tumbly and the wolf in her stomach wasn't going to feed itself. Formulating a plan of escape, Gen had a bit of trouble forcing open the 20ft cathedral doors of the bedroom open. After a valiant struggle to push the door open, she cracked it open a whole six inches before it forced her back into the room. Genma Saotome was never one to give up easily…but this one time she decided it might be better if she left well enough alone.

Genma turned around and leaned her back against the door in defeat. Sliding her body down the door with a sigh until her rump made contact with the floor, Gen noticed a cute giggling sound coming from the hamper basket next to the pink wicker dresser. There was nothing overtly special about the hamper, it was white, made of rattan, had an absurdly big flower painted on the side facing her, and a pink lid matching with the overall theme of the room in general. Cautiously, Genma approached the hamper. Opening the lid she peeked inside and… nothing. All Gen could see was girly clothing, a bra, under wear and "EEEEEEEK!"

Gen didn't really know what to make of the situation. It looked like Ranma, but considering the fact that she was nearly a decade older, and mentally insane… Yeah, Genma had to escape the clutches of the blonde in the full body pink bunny suit. The fact that she, Ranma, jumped out of the clothes hamper with a "Surprise!" and started hugging Gen with a smothering embrace wasn't what tipped the former pink ranger off to the fact that Ranma wasn't entirely all there. No, what tipped her off was the rest of the hamper was filled with marshmallow peeps and that the fire works display that had gone off in the background set the room aflame.

Once Gen had escaped the grasp of the crazy person, she turned to face her assailant. If it was Ranma, it was painfully obvious she was possessed by a force of great evil. Genma looked in horror as the fire had spread to encompass the entire back wall of the room. Upon closer examination of the woman in the bunny suit, Gen noticed a there was a bra hanging off one ear; but, more importantly, there was an unearthly demonic purple glow that indicated that Ranma was totally evil now. O.o

" I am Mistress 9, fear me. " The bunny suited firebug stated this in a cold and evil manner before perking up. "Make a wish." the statement seemed kind of ironic if you thought of the room as one big candle, but the joke kinda went over Genma's head, you know because she was trying to survive. Genma watched in horror as the flames spread to the cathedral doors. There was only one way to escape, the sealed techniques of anything goes…the Yama sen ken, umi sen ken, and the forbidden art of Ching Ching, the bling bling king. Of course, by using the sacred art of King Ching Ching, Genma would suffer the same fate as his master Happosai. His body would stop growing, or aging , he would become a vampire, a parasite… and really really good looking assuming the technique aged her body to physical perfection each time it was used.

Looking over Ranma, or what was left of her as the fire consumed what was left of the freshly made bed, Genma reached into her pocket . "I'm sorry Ranma" Genma then flicked her wrist and pulled a fifty yen coin from subspace "This is going to hurt you a lot more than it does me. HAPPO GOJUEN SATSU LUNAR TWILIGHT FLASH!"

No sooner were the words uttered than the coin chimed. with a flash, all the energy including the fire, flames, the demonic black aura surrounding Ranma, as well as a fair amount the bunny suited martial artists chi were swirling around Genma in a hurricane. Ribbons of black, almost demonic energy surrounded Genma as her body seemed to hover in midair. As the energy closed itself around her, electricity arched across Genma's body as the changes to her metabolism slowly took place. The cocoon of black energy surrounded her, nearly suffocating her as the her body was reshaped and molded like clay. The transformation completed the energy, her life force, evaporated from her body as points of light… as a result of the effects of instant puberty Gen had filled out quite nicely. With a body built like a brick (cat) house, and dressed in an outfit that was three sizes too small Genma was bound to cause nosebleeds.

Ranma had been pwned in a matter of ten seconds. Her body collapsed to the ground as the fire sprinklers finally went off. The room totally burned Genma turned to face the double cathedral doors and with a wicked smirk blasted the cathedral doors with "Alright, time to let some of this smoke out of the room." Genma said this with a cocky aggressiveness, that made her sound almost vicious. "REVENGE WISH BAZOOKA!"

With an earth shattering KA-BOOM! The two cathedral doors of the smoke filled room were blown out into the hallway. Her youth restored Genma was still smirking "Ha! I'd like to see the master beat me now." Granted Mistress 9 was pathetically weak in comparison to master happosai, but it was Genma's fantasy so the author will leave it alone. walking over to Ranma's limp body and using her newfound super strength. Genma wrestled Ranma into a fireman's carry and hopped out of the bedroom into the hallway.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own SailorMoon or Ranma.

**Are you serious?**

_**Chapter 14**_

_by Gabriel R. Lopez_

Ryu Kumon really had no one to blame for the current situation other than herself. As the young moon cat pulled a plant sticker out of her paw with her teeth, she noticed something that smelled absolutely heavenly. Ryu's attention was immediately drawn to the city of tents across the street, that seemed to appear just beyond the horizon. Ryu's mouth salivated as the smell of barbeque chicken, popcorn, cotton candy, and pineapple filled the air… "yum, yum"

Akane was preparing to test for her drivers license, Kasumi was sitting in the passenger seat of the Audi 80, reading the road, and monitoring Akane's violent tendencies. Making sure Akane drove around the defenseless animals instead of through them… of course when driving in the Mall parking lot and surrounding surface streets of Nermia no one expects the unexpected. Nermia was the peaceful serene district of Tokyo (or wherever) known for its laid back suburban lifestyle. Nermia was a happy place, with no monsters or sailor senshi, and had the lowest crime rate in all of Japan. Akane downshifted the automatic…this seemed odd to Kasumi, because Kasumi didn't know you could downshift an automatic. Toward the Audi's immediate right, was the Numa Numa Outlet Mall. And, on the vehicles immediate left the Tendo sisters had a nice view of Moral Park (a beautiful public woodland area known for its lavish green grass, it's beautiful cherry blossom trees, and its seasonal allergens). As it was on the border between the two districts of Juuban and Nermia it was frequently used for public events. Today the park was being used for the Polynesian heritage celebration… Hawaiians and others of Polynesian decent flocked from all over Japan to participate in the Kuno family sponsored event (or they would, if they actually knew about it). Mostly the Kiosks were visited by local Nermians and Jubbanites who treated the whole event as a community fair more than anything.

"Now Akane, I want you to ease into the left lane…good, now when we get to the stop sign, I want you to use the blinker and…why are you accelerating?" Kasumi asked.

Spotting the Audi in the distance the young moon cat estimated that she had just enough time to make it to the park, and the pineapple shaped kiosk selling warm milk and spiced chai without getting hit. It was a calculated decision based on weeks of being a cute little kitty cat; and, Ryu was going to take advantage of her newfound feline cuteness to weasel as much food and warm milk from the merchants at the Polynesian festival as she could. Which, considering the current size of her stomach, would take a full two minutes. Had she known a violent maniac was behind the wheel of that Audi, or had she more experience in her cursed form she might not have taken such a daring- "ACHOO!"

"SKWERCH !" The Audi stopped centimeters from making Ryu a pancake.

"I said ease into the right lane not run over some defenseless kitty!" Kasumi panicked, unbuckled her safety belt, and was about to get out of the car when "EEEEEK!"

The Tendo sisters screamed in unison as a ghostly white arm reached over and onto the hood of the car. The ghostly white arm was followed by a very familiar looking pink haired girl, who was looking over the hood at both driver and passenger in total confusion. Something was definitely not right in Ryu's opinion, something was not right at all. Kasumi for one was shocked… Granted it made sense that if Ranma could turn from human to cat the same would hold true for Genma…however, this isn't what caused Kasumi's initial shock. Quickly Kasumi Opened the car door and chastised Ryu in a mothering tone "What do you think you're doing out here without any clothes on?" Kasumi quickly took off her apron and approached the thoroughly confused Ryu Kumon.

Ryu double blinked a few times as Kasumi rushed towards her. Kasumi wrapped her apron around Ryu to protect her modesty. Ryu was still very confused about the situation, the cobwebs of shock and confusion were beginning to clear as the soft warm apron was wrapped around the formerly feline martial artist.

"Are you alright?" Kasumi asked of Ryu.

"I'm " Ryu wasn't quite sure how to answer the question. "…a girl?" of course she had already discovered her cursed form was female in the several days since she'd meet Luna, but becoming human and female was slightly more jarring. As an animal it really didn't matter what gender she had because she could disconnect her human self and her animal self. Ryu thought of animals scientifically, being a human and a girl meant she was going to have to think of it physically and mentally until the shock wore off.

Kasumi hugged Ryu tightly. "We were so worried about you when you when you ran off yesterday. Don't you ever run off like that again." Kasumi used yesterday in the general sense as it had actually been almost a week since Genma had disappeared from the mall…

"Again?" Ryu asked, puzzled, as Kasumi escorted her to the back door of the car. Opening the car door Kasumi helped Ryu into the backseat. Fortunately, Kasumi had already bought Genma several sets of clothes and underwear beforehand, and they were still waiting for the pink haired martial artist in the car. Of course, while there were many clothes in the car that a young boy could wear without feeling too embarrassed , a majority of the clothes were chosen by Kasumi . As such, a majority of the clothes were modestly feminine.

"Now wait right here, and I'll get your bathing suit." Kasumi said this as sweet as a little bird chirping on a summer day.

"what!?" Now Ryu was really confused, she didn't want to run around naked, but this woman was crazy with a capital C'. "uh… no thank you, I-I don't think the clothes would fit me anyway." Ryu tried to escape the Audi and the two Tendo siblings, but Akane had grabbed her wrist and Ryu's other arm was holding up the apron.

"Oh no, you ain't getting away this time" Akane snarked.

Ryu didn't know what to do. She couldn't use the Yama sen ken because there wasn't enough room in the vehicle and she really didn't want to hurt Kasumi…The driver however, was fair game. Twisting her wrist while simultaneously delivering a hammer strike to Akane's right eye, Ryu was able to free herself and squirreled her way to the other rear passenger door. Ryu wiffled the door open as Kasumi baby tapped her on the back of the neck. Ryu managed to get out of the car while running naked towards the crowd at the Polynesian heritage festival. What Ryu hadn't accounted for however was Kasumi was also a martial artist and had a knowledge of pressure points that rivaled that of Dr.Tofu and Haposai.

"HELP!" Ryu screamed gaining only the attention of Tatewaki Kuno who was sipping a strawberry shaved ice slushy. As she ran naked in the street Ryu's body suddenly went numb and collapsed to the ground mercilessly… Ryu couldn't feel her legs, and she couldn't move her arms. She turned her head and craned her neck back in fear and watched as Kasumi approached from the car.

"I'm sorry Genma, you didn't leave me any choice"

"G-genma?" Ryu asked horrified, incapacitated as she was, as small as she was, she briefly remembered the horrors of being covered in sesame sauce and thrown into a pit of starved rodents.

"Excuse me, May I ask what's going on here?" Tatawaki asked, his bamboo blade at the ready.

"Oh My!" Kasumi said, realizing what this must have looked like. "I-um well, you see…" How does one explain away a kidnapping? "This our cousin Rini, from…. Honolulu. She's staying with us at the dojo, but she- she heard about the Polynesian festival and was so exited she ran off without a stitch of clothing."

Kuno wasn't sure he bought the story since the dojo was five miles away. "How did she manage to get so far from the dojo?"

"Um…she's really, really, fast." Kasumi then kicked Genma in another pressure point between the ribs preventing her from speaking …well mostly.

"Nooooo! Don wisten, Shief liering, shieve rying " Rini tried to say 'Don't listen, she's lying' but being mostly paralyzed made speaking rather difficult.

"She's a little retarded" was Kasumi's rushed explanation for the gibberish, not bothering to be politically correct .

Kuno looked down at Rini, then looked at Kasumi…Rini looked as if she was completely and totally terrified, but Kasumi looked so sweet and innocent…. So much like Akane, his fierce tigress, his-

"Would you like to help me get her into the car?" Kasumi asked.

"sure!" Kuno said. Akane was strong and powerful , whereas Kasumi was sweet and beautiful. Hefting Rini over is shoulder like a sack of fertilizer, Tatawaki Kuno made his decision… he would have them both, and if it somehow turned out that this was a kidnapping, he'd get Kasumi and Akane the best lawyers money could buy...


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor moon, Ranma, or Hamtaro.

**Are you Serious?**

_**Chapter 15**_

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Andrew was on his way out of the bank. He had recently made a deposit, having sold his Audi 80 to Kasumi Tendo for a hefty sum of cash. The Audi wasn't Andrew's only car. Even with the Crown Arcade doing as poorly as it was, Andrew had recently come into the possession of the Mach 5 Replica used in the speed racer movie a few days earlier. After winning the Mach 5 in a bunny hugging contest, Andrew had used his connections at the racetrack to have it delivered to the arcade. With any luck, the Mach 5, and the haunting of Samara Morgan would bring customers back into the Arcade. And, if that didn't work out he could always sell it to that Ukyo Kenobi girl who wanted to start her own waffle house. Andrew was on top of the world, Granted if the Mach 5 had been destroyed in an unforeseeable accident at five o' clock in the morning, Andrew would be in a somewhat less forgiving mood. But, since he hadn't heard any bad news all day, Andrew was quite surprised when he had the wind knocked out of him by a smurf. Because ironically enough, it was just as Andrew exited the building he was plowed into by a fanged teenage youth dressed as a smurf. Obviously the strange young man wasn't painted blue or anything, but the white tights and goofy hat gave the whole thing away. Andrew and the smurf now found themselves on the ground three feet from the bank entrance.

The smurf had apparently been thrown from across the street by an enraged schoolgirl who worked at the cosplay outlet. Wiping the blood from his nose, the fanged youth then pulled himself to his feet, plucked off the smurf hat and pulled out a polka dot bandanna that was peeking out of his tights…no correction several bandanna's, which he tossed like shuriken or throwing stars. The schoolgirl dodged left and a performed several inhuman back flips while simultaneously twisting her body in ways that would make spaghetti jealous. The schoolgirl then magically produced a bow and arrow and started launching a seemingly never ending supply of equally mysterious arrows… the arrows tended to explode on impact. Unfortunately, Andrew wasn't faster than a speeding projectile and faced the brunt of the explosion closest to him. One thing was certain Andrew had to get out of there quick. Sadly, in his attempt to escape he tripped over a black cat that apparently had the same idea. Scooping up the cat with his unbroken arm Andrew carried the feline like a football though the urban battle field. Once he made it to the alleyway Andrew dropped the cat and started to catch his breath.

"you dirty little flea bag! You used me." Came a whiny female voice that reminded Andrew of Usagi. Looking for the source turned up no results. Well, unless cats can talk and everyone knows that's crazy.

"Usagi, we need to focus, I know you're upset, but the situation as it is, we have no time to argue." Of course if the cat was talking, that would mean Andrew would have to face the fact that he was crazy. Looking down at… Luna, it appeared his feline companion was having a crisis of her own

"oh yeah, well I don't have to listen to you anymore." Usagi spat. If she could face Luna directly she would have stuck out her tongue to emphasize her point..

"Not if we share the same mind you Looney Bird!" Luna responded.

"oh yeah well ACHOO!" Usagi-Luna sneezed and transformed.

"SAMARA MORGAN AHHHHHH!" Andrew screamed like a girl and ran out into the street like a chicken with his head cut off.

Andrew's cellular phone began to ring . "hello?" Andrew replied as several particularly loud explosions could be heard, and what was left of Andrew's rental car slid past him along the sidewalk. Whatever the car was before, it was scrap metal no. "The mach 5?... A gerbil or something… with a yellow bandanna? What do you mean you don't know?"

The explosions had stopped and for the briefest of moments one could hear Haruka Ten'oh through the cell phone "could have been a smurf for all I know. "

And then for no apparent reason Andrew broke out into a fit of hysterical laughter, he then ran out into the streets like a mad man and threw the Cell Phone at Ryoga.

"OW!" Ryoga took his attention away from Kagome who was being disintegrated by a giant slow moving pink candy heart. A final blow that was delivered by the beutiful Sailor Moon, who seemed to suddenly appear from no where.

"Samara sent you didn't she!" Andrew rushed across into the street and snapped the antenna off what was left of his rental. Andrew then charged at Ryoga, telegraphing his every move. Unfortunately for Andrew, as a trained martial artist, Ryoga could read him like a book. Ryoga simply dodged and judo chopped Andrew into unconsciousness. Then Ryoga dragged Andrew into the ally and stole his clothes and all the cash in Andrew's wallet. Andrew woke up ten minutes later dressed in smurf white spandex. Horrified and still clutching his head, Andrew wandered into the street in a half drunken stupor… which was quite difficult since he wasn't drunk yet.

"There he is!" cried a witness being interviewed by the channel six news reporter. "that's the man who saved my baby." Andrew was then swarmed by reporters who wanted to meet the lunar knight.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: I do not own ranma sailor moon or Hamtaro. If you've somehow been mislead into believing this, I must ask...

**Are You serious?**

_**Chapter 16**  
_

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

Ryoga was now dressed as a waiter of a trendy Psedo-Japanese arcade…which Ironically enough was the same as being dressed as any generic waiter or bartender in Las Vegas. This was less ironic when one considers the fact most of the aforementioned outfit was imported from America. Ryoga was now dressed in a pair of lightly scuffed and polished black San Antonio shoes, a pair of grey pinstriped slacks, a white dress shirt, and a black leather vest made of pig suede with a matching silk tie. Ryoga was at the Laundromat waiting for his bandanna to dry… Ryoga felt the compulsive need to wash his bandanna after his recent adventure, after all he had to clean it before he could place it upon his brow, because he knew where it had been. Ryoga had momentarily considered burning the bandanna and making a new one, but then again his trusty yellow bandanna has been his closest companion since childhood, plus being made from the fabric of his blankie made it that much more special.

The dryer buzzed and ryoga examined what was left of his former bandana. The bandanna itself must have been dry clean only because it had shrunk and would most likely fit him only in his cursed form… the expansion properties of said bandana were no longer viable and it was with a heavy hearted sigh that Ryoga Hibiki blew his nose one last time with his beloved blankie before disposing of it in the nearest trash receptacle. Ryoga left the Laundromat dejected and wandered four blocks aimlessly in search of his dog checkers. As he walked past a Café he looked at the sign, which momentarily reminded him of Kaguya. The Neko)haten, was a rather unremarkable Café to say the least, but the Word Neko and the crescent moon in its title was no doubt capitalizing on the sailor moon craze…

)*THWAK*(

"ow!" Ryoga cried as he was mercilessly swatted over the head with a bamboo pole.

"there you are Mr. Part time" The old woman squinted her eyes "I've been waiting for you all day!"

"huh?" Ryoga asked confused by the elderly Chinese woman's bold attack.

"You're Late, move"The elderly woman then swatted Ryoga on the gluteus maximus with her bamboo pole "get moving."

"Darnit you old Goul, Quit hitting me!" Ryoga hissed

"less talky, more worky." the old woman poked one of the smaller ribs in Ryoga's back with her pole "I got you for four hours and I ain't paying you to look pretty."

A young purple haired waitress dressed in pink Chinese silk shirt with matching pants and a frilly pink apron bowed to greet the new guest "Ni hao welcome to-"

"This isn't a customer Bijou, can't you see his outfit? this is the waiter the temp agency sent over."

"but I'm not-" )*THWAK*(

"Men should be seen and not heard" the old woman then squinted her eyes to inspect the new waiter. " Bijou, take him to the back and get him an apron."

"Yes great grandmother" the waitress, Bijou, bowed and grabbed the confused Ryoga by the hand.

"hey wait a second!" Ryoga protested as the young waitress dragged him through the back of the Café and into the kitchen. Bijou finally stopped when they reached the door to the water heater which doubled as a broom closet. Bijou opened the door and fished out a small black apron patterned with a red and gold dragon embroidered across the hip pockets. After handing the Apron over to Ryoga, Bijou was confused when Ryoga handed back the apron "Not mine I'm not working here. " Bijou handed the apron back to Ryoga. "no- see. You don't understand. I'm not working here. My name's Hamtaro…cha' what I mean is my name's Ryoga. Ryoga Hibiki"

"Shampoo" said Bijou

"okay…Now I know you don't understand." said Ryoga "ok see, I can't stay here."

"Me understand just fine. Shampoo my name." stated the purple haired Chinese girl

" but, the old ghoul was calling you Bijou" this perplexed Ryoga.

"Bijou my nickname." In a weird way Shampoo's explanation made sense to Ryoga. If his parents had named him toothpaste he'd probably adopt a nickname too.

)*THWAK*( "ow!" Ryoga whined as the old woman beat him over the head again with her bamboo stick.

"I'm not paying you to stand around talking" Cologne hissed

)*THWAK*( "AIYAH, Granma what that for?"

"Get to work you lazy girl, or would you rather join Mousse!" The old woman ordered.

Shampoo gasped… "b-but Mousse dead"

"That's right, so get moving before you join him in the after life." Cologne cackled. she then swatted Ryoga on his backside "what you looking at boy? Get moving."


	17. Chapter 17

**Are you serious?**

**_Chapter 16_**

_Gabriel R. Lopez_

The problem with being a super heroine, especially for one Usagi Serena Tsukino-moonstone, was that it was particularly boring…now when I say boring, I mean boring in the way a woodpecker keeps eating away at the stump until it bores a hole past the thick bark of the wood to reveal the gooey termite nest on the other side. Usagi was getting bored with the whole villain of the week routine. Unfortunately Luna had absolutely no idea what Usagi was thinking until recently. There was no one to blame for Usagi's apathetic state of mind except maybe Luna, with whom she was now sharing half a mind. Luna, had taken it upon herself to teach Usagi a lesson in humility, because she felt, rather she believed, Usagi needed to shed her naïve school girl mentality. Unfortunately, this lesson in humility wound up biting the black moon cat in her black fluffy tail. If only Usagi had simply gone home after the others booted her out of the group instead of sulking under a bridge like some fallen samurai warrior, she wouldn't have been kidnapped. If she hadn't been kidnapped Luna wouldn't have had to track her from the urban jungles of Japan into the untamed wilderness of China.

Of course now that both Usagi and Luna shared mind, and body, it became obvious to Usagi that Luna was holding out on her. And, it became painfully obvious to Luna that Usagi was out of her flipping mind, but then again now that they were fused Luna was sure that Usagi would realize that counting the number of times her little brother farted each day was really un ladylike…as was counting the number of dimples in a golf ball, the total number of the blades of grass on a soccer field, and the number of individual hairs on her head. Luna was shocked at how much information Usagi had gathered on magical girls from manga alone… It was no wander Usagi was failing at school. From what Luna could gather, Usagi spent most of her time in class sleeping…which was justifiable because she ether spent several evenings counting the individual hairs on her head and another week counting the number of hairs on her arm. Usagi probably started counting the individual hairs on her legs soon after…and it was probably for the best that she became a magical girl and grew tired counting the individual hairs on her body.

Currently, after being rescued from a near death experience by the waiter from the Crown Arcade and transforming from Luna into Samara Morgan (whoever that was), Luna/Usagi knew the best course of action was to transform into sailor moon and take out the daemon Kagome. Kagome appeared to be one of those low level youma whose intelligence bordered on that of any creature with a brain the size of a walnut… launching arrows (as Kagome was), she hadn't noticed the slow moving pink candy heart headed strait for her. Of course victory went to sailor moon, well sailor moon and the smurf guy that was dragging Andrew into a back alley. Of course, the victory was short lived, very short lived. Because apparently the youma had a sidekick. And said sidekick beamed Sailor moon on the head with a baseball bat. Sailor moon was distracted, as one would expect her to be, she had been making sure the youma didn't wander out of the path of the aforementioned pink candy heart , and was preparing a back up action oriented attack with her tiara. This was also the reason why the sailor moon's head was unprotected from the blow. Additionally, said youma's sidekick hit a particular sweet spot of sailor moon's skull that had been kissed by a mallet less than 78hrs earlier. The effects of which immediately knocked Sailor Moon unconscious. Lum smiled as she dragged the unconscious body of Sailor Moon off to the dark kingdom. Woo-hoo, Somebody was getting a promotion.

Elsewhere, Nabiki desperately needed to find her cell phone, it was an emergency. Akane was in the kitchen cooking up a storm, and Nabiki needed a backup before the hurricane blew in. Alas, Nabiki hadn't used her Cell phone in over a week, and since it wasn't where it should have been, it was naturally lost. At the very least, the misplaced cell phone could be anywhere… It was then Nabiki was hit with a sudden spark of inspiration. Assuming she had left the cell phone on, and the battery hadn't died. (which wasn't likely since it had three bars the last time she'd used it) Nabiki picked up the home phone and dialed up the cell phone.

At the Nekohaten Cologne picked up the cell phone she had taken or more accurately lifted from the mercenary girl , who had been using her shop to sell photographs of Akane Tendo to Tatewaki Kuno. Cologne had a particular disgust for Tatewaki, because he didn't tip well and as a form of revenge, she had made well over $300 dollars in long distance phone calls to China with his girlfriends cell phone… to make matters worse cologne had made several contacts of both terrorist and communist interest, which had piqued the interest of the JDF and CIA organizations. Needless to say whether she got her cell phone back or not Nabiki Tendo was going to be under investigation for a long while. "Hello? Nekohatten."

"Oh thank God, You found my cell phone." Nabiki cheered

"who is this?" Cologne asked.

"Nabiki Tendo, wait…Nekohatten? Is this the Chinese restaurant just up the street from the Tendo Dojo."

"could be." Cologne wasn't exactly sure, where the Dendo dojo was, however there was a Tendo dojo just up the street.

"Wonderful! Do you deliver?" Nabiki asked.

"Only on orders over sirty dollars. You have sirty dollars yes?" Cologne smirked.

"but you have my cell phone." Nabiki whined.

"Then you come pick up, no deliveries under sirty dollars. And that not include tip."

Nabki groaned "ok fine. Sixteen egg rolls, five servings of general chicken, five orders of orange chicken, a flask of egg drop soup, five orders of ramen, six bowls of rice, and a bottle of soda pop."

"That only fifteen dollars, no delivery for you." this was a lie, but Cologne had to get rid of a particularly bad batch, or rather, shipment, of ramen noodles. The ramen noodles had apparently been tainted when the Furinkan High School's home economic class visited the factory. Apparently one of the students was so eager to help the factory workers, she accidentally mixed in ten square pounds of salt into the flour mixture for each table spoon. No one knows who the particular student was, as the student also created a particularly nasty ramen youma …or was it a spaghetti monster, that had to be defeated by sailor moon and the sailor scouts. Of course the whole event was later dismissed as an attack by the dark kingdom, and the ramen was marketed as having that extra sprinkle of magic for half the price.

" Just double the order then" Nabiki said.

"no, don't have enough chicken and rice…but, I'll sell you sixteen cases of uncooked ramen to make up the difference."

"really?" Nabiki asked. "I'll take it!" It was the deal of the century, six cases of ramen noodles meant at least a week off for Kasumi, and Akane's lack of culinary skill…

"remember, no refunds." Cologne sing songed.

"okay, be sure to put my cell phone in with the order" Nabiki did not want to have to travel all the way across town to the ramen shop if she didn't have too.

"what, I didn't hear the last part. My hearing's bad"-- Cologne

"I want my Cell phone delivered with the order." -- Nabiki

"that cost extra." -- Cologne

"how much?" -- Nabiki

"sirty dollar" -- Cologne

"fine."-- Nabiki

"no worries, food be there in half an hour." -- Cologne

"great" Nabiki deadpanned, feeling as if she'd been ripped off.

At the nekohatten Ryoga was helping Shampoo gather the dishes after the Furinkan soccer team celebrated their victory against the rival Hitsugaya Team. Ryoga stole a glance toward Shampoo when Cologne started chatting on her cell phone. "why stay here?"

Shampoo looked as if she were about to cry but then wiped her eyes against the sleeve o her shirt. "it my fault…sob… stupid outsider girl get shampoo banished, shampoo grandmother help track her to Japan but…Shampoo find present for great grandmother in old trunk, make her mean, make her opposite-"

"))whack(("

"ite!" Shampoo whinced as she rubbed her head.

"Quiet girl, we have a delivery to make." Cologne then jabbed Ryoga in the ribbs with her bamboo pole. "Boy, I need you to deliver those four boxes of food to the Tendo Dojo. You you know where that is?"

"no actually." Ryoga tried to protest

"that's alright" Cologne pulled out a small memo pad and started jotting down a list of directions, which if followed properly would lead him to the local graveyard 3 miles in the opposite direction. "I wrote the directions to get there on this paper. Remember if your late I take it out of your pay."

"I don't work for you." Ryoga asserted.

"then why you stay, do you like my pretty granddaughter?"

Ryoga blushed "no…I mean, that is to say, why can't she deliver the order?" Ryoga had it planned Shampoo would leave and he would defeat the old woman in honorable combat, and then…

"))whack!(("

"it's going to rain soon, you want my granddaughter catch her death from cold?" Cologne momentarily wondered if that was such a bad idea, but then dismissed it. Where else was she going to get a slave so far from home?

Some time in the future Gen had to make a decision, "so you're saying that by joining the Green Lantern Corps. I get a magic ring that allows me to control matter, space, and time, and in exchange all I have to do is show up one weekend a month and two weeks every year for the next thirty years."

Hal Jordan smiled at the young pink haired martial artist. Granted the girl was barely 18 and wearing an outfit that was three sizes too small. But who was he to judge fashion sense. She was wearing an orange shirt, a purple jacket, and green short shorts. With the matching socks and shoes, not to mention the ridiculous hairstyle the girl had adorned her hair in, made the teenaged girl appear almost like an insane clown, but not quite. If it weren't for her curves no one would taker her seriously, which says something about what Hal was thinking at the moment….which involved a candle light dinner on the beach with aforementioned martial artist. "It's not that simple, you'd also have to thwart the Sailor Scouts and other villainous organizations throughout the galaxy young lady"

"Pfft! Piece of cake. And I ain't no lady." the currently adult formed pink haired teenage Genma Saotome was picking her nose as she looked over the contract. This thoroughly disgusted Hal long enough for him to think of her as the teenage girl that she so obviously was. After finishing her nose mining expedition the formerly male 47 year old Genma wiped the booger on her short shorts. "Now, the ring also negates the effects of magic right? I mean, assuming someone was trapped in a hideous magical leotard or something simmilar, they could remove said outfit and burn it?"

"well as a Green Lantern you would be expected to wear the spandex of justice"

"yeah…you know what, I'll think about it."

"are you sure? The Green Lanterns could really use someone with your assets."

"yeah, I'm fairly certain this isn't going to work out."

A.N.: green lantern belongs to DC comics, and will not be mentioned again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Are you serious?**

**_Chapter 18_**

_By Gabriel R. Lopez_

It was the best of cries and the worst of crimes. With her knowledge of Anything Goes kung fu shiatsu massage, Kasumi Tendo had temporarily paralyzed one of her sister Akane's "hit and run victims" and carted her off to the Tendo Dojo. The Tendo sisters, and their reluctant passenger, entered through the kitchen. Ryu was of course modestly covered by an apron, because dragging a naked body through the door would have just been weird. Upon entering Akane simply dropped her end of the terrified pink haired girl onto to floor. Ryu winced in pain as her head smacked into the tile causing Ryu to let off a terrible yelp and bite her tongue at the same time. Being physically restricted with a severely limited vocapulary Ryu finally snapped, unable to express her feelings of anger, fear, and helplessness …Ryu started crying.

"Akane! How could you." Kasumi quickly dropped Ryu's feet and went to check the knot that was forming in back of their pink haired guest's head. Kasumi's former experience as an ER Nurse informed her that the knot wasn't anything serious.

"she hit me!" Akane whined.

"you ran over her with the car!" was Kasumi's response.

"I almost ran over her with the car…almost." Akane replied.

Kasumi rolled her eyes and picked up Ryu like a bride on her wedding day…it was awkward for both the eldest Tendo and the little girl, for two very different reasons. Ryu was still unable to move her limbs, and Kasumi was wandering how the little girl had gotten so fat. The pink haired girl had to weigh at least 90 pounds… of course what Kasumi didn't know was that Ryu essentially had the same muscle mass as her original form... that original form being that of a malnourished 16 year old boy. Carrying the young girl to her bedroom and laying her on the bed Kasumi left the room for exactly sixty two seconds… Ryu wondered momentarily why she had the sudden urge to count he number of seconds she was alone, but then dismissed it. Kasumi had used the time to go back to the kitchen open the refrigerator get Akane a raw steak for her eye, soak a warm washcloth in the kitchen sink, and returned to her bedroom with a wet rag. After Kasumi had given Ryu a spit bath, Kasumi then set to work dressing the young pink haired Hawaiian girl. Well, maybe not entirely Hawaiian, there was no telling who, or dare say "what" had fallen into the spring at Jusenkeyo. Kasumi remained oblivious to the young girl's country of origin as she finished dressing Ru in one of Akane's elementary school uniforms that she fished out of her closet in a box keepsakes… This reminded Kasumi she should get the rest of their visitors clothes out of the car if they weren't going to be returning them to the store. Of course Kasumi was glad she was able to find a spare set of underwear so that Ryu wasn't indecent for the time being.

To describe them as underwear was a bit generous, Akane had a bit of a bed wetting problem when she was in elementary school … apparently she stayed up late one night at a sleepover and watched Saw, One Missed call, The Eye, The Ring, and Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ with her girlfriends… it was Yuka that did it. Akane had spent so much time covering her eyes and hiding herself under the covers Yuka thought it would be fun t keep Akane jumpy like that. Yuka started by using her mom's cell phone to tell Akane she had seven days… Yuka then woke Akane up the following morning by pouring a glass of water into her lap… she then tricked Akane into thinking she had killed the class hamster…and for a whole year Yuka kept Akane as terrified an meek as a little mouse, until it backfired… no one knows what happened to Yuka, all they know is the day after she went missing Akane had a homicidal grin on her face…then she would start laughing maniacally for no reason… The truth was Akane had nothing to do with Yuka's disappearance. The truth was Yuka and her family had moved shortly after they found their cat mewling at the door wrapped, almost mummified, with duct tape.

Currently Akane was in the kitchen, under the mistaken impression that Kasumi wanted her to cook dinner. Having reached this assumption when Kasumi handed her a steak…apparently Akane wasn't familiar with the American use of steaks as the homeopathic remedy for black eyes. Nabiki strolled into the kitchen to retrieve a popsicle from the freezer. Akane was fast at work preparing a delicious meal of fried rice with curry and didn't notice the horrified expression on her sister's face as she went white as a ghost and quickly rushed up stairs to order take out. It started raining twenty minutes later… quickly, downstairs a shriek was heard "RAT!!!" Akane cried

Nabiki rushed down the stairs to see what Akane was yelling about and Kasumi stopped brushing Ryu's hair. Ryu was seated on the bed, with a brush stuck in her thick matt of pink hair. Aforementioned Hair was now made up in trademark rabbit like pigtails. Ryu of course was mostly paralyzed and could only blink as she was left staring at her reflection in the mirror…before falling over face first into the floor. Ryu's eyes were then filled with terror as a strange and mysterious hamster squeezed itself under the frame of Kasumi's door running as fast as its legs could carry him towards Ryu.

Ryu was naturally completely and totally terrified of the evil little rodent. She could scream, there was nothing about her lack of mobility that prevented her from doing so. And, thanks to the adrenaline pumping through her system she could move her left index finger now. She probably would have screamed but the demon was so terrifyingly small it might just crawl into her mouth and… Ryu's eyes opened wide with fright as the little hamster quickly crawled over her shoulder and squirreled it's way into her blouse. Ryu hated squirrels. Ryu could feel the pitter patter of little feet wandering aimlessly, crawling up her back, circling around before crawling around to the front of her blouse. The very thought of what evil the diabolical critter was plotting terrified Ryu as she made quick use of Akane's special underwear. The hamster then crawled out the front of Ryu's blouse wondering how he got trapped in there in the first place.

"hiff… hiff hiff ….hiff hiff hiff" wait a second, Ryoga thought. "wait a second…I remember you. "

"squee?" the pink haired girl replied then wiggled her index finger then twitched her nose.

Ryoga cocked his head to one side. And looked at Ryu

Other than being completely and totally paralyzed the girl now seemed quite calm, and happy, happy as a tree squirrel.


End file.
